Ivy Laing.

give them what they want.

2012-01-15T20:38:00.000-08:00

since i am still in the States. waiting on pins and needles...there is one thing that is continually filling up my inbox.

this is the thing that everyone wonders, some people ask, and most people just hope i decide to blog about it one day.

well, it's your lucky day. hot diggity dog.

unfortunately, the answer you will receive may not be as exciting and romantic as one would hope. listen, i am here. i know. i feel that.

the infamous question i get at least 4 times a day through email. sometimes in person. and always through inconspicuous comments about your sons and nephews.

"Ivy, what's the lucky guys name?"

i am painfully single. but it doesn't pain me so much.

it seems that some men (or boys) are scared to have you leave the country to serve for six months. it's a weird thing, y'all. and i have become so okay with that.

i don't believe in dating around. i don't believe in giving your heart away to every mug on the street. or in your college classes. or on twitter for that matter.

i do believe in the sacrifice that is keeping your heart for your spouse. he's worth it and i am absolutely positive he will treasure it like no other.

i do believe in seeking first our Daddy and letting the pieces fall into place. but this is used way too often in our "christianese" culture. God gave Ruth boldness to go get her man, but she did it the right way. she didn't sit around and mope about how lonely she was but instead pursued a relationship with her true Romancer.

i do believe that sometimes we make mistakes. it happens. we are human. but man, mending does He do!

and mistakes have i made. i jumped too fast this year. i had a whole lot of firsts. i cried. from pure joy and from simple pain. i ran around like a little kid. and blew tons of bubbles. i have learned the way to a man's heart is through peanut butter and good cooking.

in Lk 10, we see the direction He gave those He sent out to be His hands and feet. He sent them out in pairs. not just as a single but with a helper. so this adventure has been tough. no one really gets what i am going through on a daily basis. and they won't until he comes along. patience, grasshopper, patience.

Mother Teresa has more respect from me after this year is all i am saying. this adventure alone is killer. and it's gonna be lonely. but not for long. not for long.

i am blessed to say that my heart has been broken a total of 1. not many can say that. do i wish that was a total of zero?! of course, i do! who wouldn't? but He is God and we aren't. end of story.

i have no expertise. at all.
i studied this stuff all the time in school. sociologists thrive off of relationships.
but i still don't understand how our hearts work most of the time.

trust Him. follow Him. serve Him with every little thing in you.

loving others makes you attractive, that's proven. i can get you the statistics :)

so do it to it. and wait patiently. don't jump on the next guy walking down the street.

best advice of the year for this: listen to your college minister. if only.

(or mentor, youth pastor, older friend...they know what they are talking about.)

so the answer is: my heart is just His right now.

and the rest of the story is...

i have a feeling this is not the answer you wanted. i figured. oh, but don't you worry your pretty little head.

stay tuned for tomorrow.

hello, anyone out there?

2011-11-27T19:30:00.000-08:00

hello, precious ones.

i have a post ready for you this week but tonight, i need something from you...

my curiosity has gotten the best of me. my stats tell me you all are from all over the world. Japan, Russia, Canada, Germany...

i want to know who you are!

give a little roll call or shout out in the comment section.

hope your week is wonderful and your heart is full.

shine on.

beautiful things.

2011-10-04T21:53:00.000-07:00

in the room next to me sleeps a brand new 20 year old.

the room she is sleeping in is MY room taken over by Jamie shortly after her brain surgery years ago. i live my days in there, live my nights in her room. because she just decided that she didn't like her twin bed anymore. and i might have given in.

that's what little girls named Jamie do to you...they make your head spin and shake up your life a little bit. and steal your heart in the process.

20 years ago...i waited in the waiting room for hours with my Prissy and every other residing person of Albany, GA just waiting for Jamie Leigh Laing to arrive.

20 years ago...God threw my parents a curve ball that they never could have expected.

20 years ago...He decided to show off His faithfulness and love through a tiny baby girl who would live her life proffing the doctors wrong.

i've spent these 20 years watching my parents fight for the helpless. (i think i know where i get part of it from) not just for Jamie but for every child that will walk through Dougherty County's special education program. for every child that isn't gettting what they deserve...they have fought. they've won some, lost a lot. but He has given immense favor.

i've spent these 20 years learning how to REALLY seek God. to plead my case before Him. to go to bed with tear stained pillow cases and swollen eyes. you can read about it in books or study it in school all you want to but until you watch your sister (or daughter) have seizures back to back. or have someone call them the forbidden "R" word. or hear her cry and not know what is wrong. THAT makes you realize at a VERY early age you need Him more than you ever thought possible. and i am thankful for the opportunity to realize that when i was so little.

sitting at my Granny's and hearing her explain to me one day when Jamie was really sick that if we have faith like a mustard seed, all things are possible with our God. it hits you. this isn't just some random uh-oh that happened in the labor and delivery room. this is orchestrated by her very maker. the One who made her, made her perfect.

i've spent these 20 years seeing her prove the doctors wrong. and this past year was no different. Jamie started back with occupational therapy and her strength/flexibility on her right side has grown immensely. she also can walk with her physical therapist holding onto her arm beside her. the doctors said we would NEVER see that. and look where we are.

20 years of anticipating a huge miracle that quite frankly happens daily and i hardly ever realize it. 20 years. it's hard to believe.

do you know the rates of marriage of handicap children are going down? more divorces happen in these circumstances than any other. statistics also show that siblings of disabled children have a tendency to be rebellious, do drugs, and run away.

can i get a hallelujah. if those stats don't do anything but prove how big God has been in the Laing family then...still...hallelujah.

she has excelled. loves people. is so spunky and full of life. funny. loves Cedarmont Kids. (i hate them). i think she secretly understands spanish...the girl changes her dvd's to spanish every single time. and then changes them back. and then back again to Spanish. scared of small dogs. loves to hear people scream. known as "JANIE LANE" in her class by her classmates. stealer of lunch rolls in her class. spoiled by her teacher aides. loved by every single teacher at her school. fakes crying when she wants to be a baby. still sits in my lap. stealer of my bed. nap taker. book lover. plays my daddy's piano (she got all of the musical talents, i'm telling ya). a daddy's girl all the way but a sissy's girl when daddy is at work. loves the movies...mainly for the popcorn and laughing as i spill it. calls me "day." we are still not sure where that came from.

she is beauitfully perfect. HE. MAKES. BEAUTIFUL. THINGS.

so let me just encourage you today, if life is not going like you planned...take a step back and look at the beautiful thing that He is doing. His story is way better. and perfect.

Jamie, you are so loved.

it's been 365 days.

2011-06-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

it's been kind of quiet on the blog front, huh?

you can even hear the grasshoppers chirp. senior year of college took over for a bit. but here i am again.

so much has happened since March when i last blogged.

my last spring semester is over. one more semester left. (insert freaking out dance here.)

my favorite professor retired. the one that i KNOW God had me there to minister to. that was one of the hardest days i have ever encountered. pouring my life out and having him not want anything to do with Jesus hurt. but oh, how He works in the coolest ways. i look forward to hearing how God will use all of this someday.

my best friend since kindergarten graduated from UGA. growing up is so exciting. and intimidating. and makes me completely rely on the story He is telling.

my application for a missionary position with Assemblies of God was processed. they are looking for placement for me at the current time. i am beyond stoked. knowing every single step of the journey is for His glory. and His fame only.

friends got married. friends got engaged. friends have began to date. it's that season of life.

numba one man in my life, baby Judah, is looking more like a little man every day. he is my favorite.

my mentor is responding to His gracious call in Brazil as i type this. i can hardly wait for her to get home.

and then there is today.

the day that has caused me to miss Peru more than words can express. i read my journal earlier today. on this very day a year ago, i saw my Zaida after 3 years.

she walked in.

i saw her face.

i ran.

she ran.

we hugged.

in an almost like Hallmark movie sequence. perfection.

she is the picture of His love to me. He saw fit for a little girl living on a different continent to be a little part of my story. for Him to use her to rock my world in ways i never dreamed of.

i didn't know her name that day in 2005. and i honestly never imagined that it would turn into my heart being for the helpless and hopeless. He has knit it together so perfectly.

i can't act like i didn't see her. that i didn't see hungry children. that i didn't see grown men begging for a morsel of food on the streets. i can't pretend that the children didn't beg me to pray for them. or that God changed my heart forever.

i will forever be thankful for Peru. and one of my biggest fears is that i won't love another country like i love that place. it is my heart. the children captured it. my heart for missions was molded in that very country, in a musty old hotel room.

365 days ago, i said goodbye to Zaida. i am not sure when i will see her again and that makes my heart ache. but it won't be long. i tend to gravitate to that place. God calls me there. and when He tells me...i am on that plane to see my girl.

i can't live for myself anymore. and God used a little girl to teach me that.

longing for His fame.

2011-03-09T19:07:00.000-08:00

as soon as my feet hit the floor on tuesday i knew that it was one of those days. the enemy of our souls was up to no good and was aiming for my campus. and i felt it. as soon as i drove up. as soon as i sat down in my classroom.

say what you want to that Christianity isn't risky. say it. maybe it isn't for you. but you stand up for His word and see the dirty looks. and hear the comments. it is intense. and it should be. He is worth every awkward glance.

the Bible was slammed. He was discredited. He was described as messing up big time.

lies.

it looks like i should be used to it by now. i mean this is my next to last semester. its what i hear day in and day out. but it was different this day. it was dark. and harsh. and i wanted to run out of the classroom. and as soon as the door open i was gone. with tears streaming. it was one of those days. those days where quitting is the most beautiful idea i have ever had. but He wants me there and there i will stay until He says when. and that when is coming in December.

i felt alone. and discouraged. and then i listened to the passion cd. like a revival to my ears. how perfect those songs are for my soul right now. so perfect.

i was also asked "wouldn't you like to be a normal college student?"

i am not even sure what that would look like. but my answer was no. trade this everyday craziness for normal...no way jose.

and even in those days that i feel alone. i know i am not. because He is there. He was there before i got there. and He is there when i leave. and i have this incredible net of co-workers in the Truth.

and one day someone will finally "get" my dreams, not just support them but actually fully understand them...and i so look forward to that day.

if it means i have to stand alone for Him to be famous on that campus, i am willing.

if it means being "abnormal", i am so okay with that. normal is relative anyways.

these past couple of weeks has been the realization that i am more "tied down" to Albany that i thought. and it's not even by a husband or children of my own. its the people that i serve. and my homeless friends. and my mento. and i am perfectly okay with all of this.

my heart is kind of splattered all over the place. i guess that is normal? i am not really sure if it is or not but it is true.

i long for a plan ride across the ocean.
and a hut.
and dirt floors.
and long walks to church every Sunday.
and fresh cut flowers being sold out of a cart on the corner.
and the cutest children i have ever seen.

but i don't just simply want to go. i need to be sent. and He needs to be the one to send me. and He will. when He is ready.

that may be when i graduate. and that may be a year after i graduate. i can honestly say that i have no plans after graduation. which is the scariest thing ever since i am a planner at heart. my Type A personality wants to have a set plan. and unfortunately our God just doesn't work like that sometimes.

fill out applications for overseas...i am doing it presently.
fill out applictations for here...i will do it.
wait. quietly. and patiently....i must.

what a process this senior year has been. what love He has graced me with. and what amazing people has He brought into my life. i am blessed beyond words. i have an incredible net of women who pour into me like no other, i have best friends who pray Psalm 91 over me everyday, and i have the sweetest mento around.

i am happy here. i am in love with this season of my life.

most intense month of my life is still taking place. its the new normal.

the other side of the coin.

2011-02-27T21:00:00.000-08:00

laying there trying to go to sleep. it was dark. so dark that the blackness almost made me feel like I couldn't breathe. my mind was racing. my heart was heavy. and my cheeks were wet with tears. it was a muffled sort of cry because the last thing i wanted to do was to wake hilary up with my crying.

our last night together. not forever but for 2 years which feels like forever.

the last time we would fall asleep next to each other giggling. and wake each other back to tell another story.

the last time we would say, "if you wake up first, wake me up."

the last time i woke up to her being silly. and screaming for me to get up.

she is my sister. my sister cousin. she is my best friend.

with only ten months that seperate us in age...we have seen it all together. she has seen me cry when jamie had seizures and no one else could quite understand me. I have seen her clog, play clarinet, play guitar, and everything else the "jack of all trades" has attempted. we have spent many summers at the beach perfecting the "cousin club" rules. there is honestly not a good memory that i have without her in it. our lives are entangled. even hours away. that's just the way our lives have always been.

and it changed.

change is good. and the change was coming. I knew that. but when it happened it hurt worse than i thought.

she moves to Senegal with the peace corps on march 7. that's on the other side of the world. not the same state. not the same continent. the coast of Africa. and that is really exciting.

but you see, I have never seen this side of things.

I have always been the one going. the one talking about moving to another continent. and seeing the fear on the faces of my friends and family. I have never had to see someone do it. I have never been on this side. and I can't quite decide how I feel about it yet.

am I proud? oh, you know it.

am I going to visit? as soon as possible.

will I tell everyone I know about her adventures? count on it.

but that goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever done in this life. gasping for air with tear stained clothes isn't how i wanted the goodbye to look like. but we knew it was coming. and come it did.

and as I type with the swollen eyes and an expectant heart, I beg for you to intercede for Hilary. for peace. and comfort. and for His amazing story to play out in Senegal like we never imagined.

He's able. and worth it.

if that goodbye did nothing else it made me more able to be sympathetic with the most important people in my life that can't bear the thought of me moving away. far away. I get it. I see the other side. and man. it's intense.

love is a weapon.

2011-02-11T13:56:00.000-08:00

L-O-V-E. it's the four letter word that people throw around. we color it with red and pink. we decorate it with hearts and glitter. and we talk about it like it's a disease this time of the year.

"created in Christ Jesus for good works which He has prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10.

you're probably thinking that this verse has nothing to do with love. but actually it has EVERYTHING to do with love.

first, we were created....because He loved us. secondly, He has prepared things for us to do...because He loves us. and lastly, He has good works for us to do for others...because He loves them.

it's this perfect, romantic, jaw dropping, awe inspiring, breathtaking kind of love.

stop for a second. really think about it. He loves us so much that He has a story for us to live out. and not just some cheesey romantic novel you buy for a buck fifty but an adventure with a love story put in at just the right time. there are people for us to touch. works to accomplish for His kingdom.

and He didn't give us passions and dreams for us to just sit there and think about them. go live it. and this love isn't supposed to be lived just in the four walls of your church. it isn't supposed to be kept between you and your Christian best friends. it isn't supposed to be given to people who look like you. no, this love is meant for your world. your city. for your school. every single person you come into contact with. God loves them so much! and He is sending you places to tell them that. to show them that love.

L-O-V-E is weapon for His kingdom. something that Satan cannot combat with. because people of this world don't get it. it's all foolishness to them.

go give some food to the homeless man you pass every single day. go to the government housing in your city and pray over it. go sit by someone you don't know and listen to their story.

stop keeping it to yourself. use the weapon He has given us. it drives out fear. and it shakes the grounds of Hell.

my prayer for you this Valentine's Day is not that you find your soulmate. or not that your spouse takes you out on some fabulous date. i hope you don't find satisfaction in a dozen roses or a cute boy. nope. i pray that you sacrifice- pouring out yourself for someone for His glory.

praying this becomes your heart:
"I am the Lord's servant, may it be done to me according to Your will." Luke 1:38

be willing. surrender your story for His. live His love out. and shake the grounds of hell.

tell me how you used love!

life interrupted.

2011-02-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

so these past 2 weeks have been a little like a a pot being broken. then put back together. then smashed on the ground. then put back together. and the cycle continues.

praying for um, i would say a good 2 years of where God would send me when i graduate college. big dreams. He is a God of big dreams and cools stories. feeding the hungry. setting the slaves free. getting the poor clothing. easing the hurts of the mourning. all of that Isaiah 58 stuff.

waiting. waiting. waiting on it.

and bam.

it hit me like a boulder. in the face. all of those things up there....they need to be done here. right now.

i love this city. i serve this city. this city has seen my best days. the ugliest, broken cries. me and Albany have this beautiful history of my 22 years of life so far. but you know...everyone knows i am called to missions. everyone knows that one day i won't be living here. and i just assumed that living overseas would be easier without a husband and kids. you know...taking the easy route i suppose.

yeah, general conclusion...He isn't looking for the easy route. and i don't know best. best may be me married with 7 kids in tow. who knows. i sure don't. i can't see the next steps like He does. and i am really grateful for that because it would probably freak me out.

Albany is His. and it is hurting. and it needs restoration. and quite frankly, God doesn't need us to do that. He just doesn't. He's God. He can do the story on His own. but He LETS us. He wants us to be a little part of the story. to be able to glorify Him by serving the city.

does this mean i know what this next year holds? definately a negative. do i know that it is going to be bigger and better than i can dream? you betcha.

so giving up what i had my heart set on to let Him take over...it's a beautiful mess. and my heart is a little all over the place. i don't have it all together and i am pretty sure He likes it like that.

so i am living for today. not the day when i graduate. not the day when i get on the plane for THAT plane ride. it's about living to honor Him and living to love others in the process.

so for right now, Albany is my Nineveh.

His interruptions are probably some of the most beautiful things we can ever experience. i am rather stoked about these next few months.

**disclaimer: family, this does not mean that i will not leave after graduation. it is my Nineveh NOW, let's think about that day when it comes:)

and we sat.

2011-01-30T21:15:00.001-08:00

an ending to a crazy week. a picture of His love. a glimpse into what He desires His kingdom to look like.

let me start by saying this: this past week was insane. and difficult at times if i am honest. some days this life is hard. and i think He gets that. but i am grateful for the inconvenience of being a part of His grand, great, amazing, beautiful, perfect story.

i told myself all week that i would catch up on sleep friday and saturday. yeah, i forgot i had amazingness to happen both days.

friday morning coffee with my mentor. my mentor that gets my heart and will listen to my crazy dreams. my mentor who is so seasoned in Christ and is the most beautiful mommy. my mentor who loves our Jesus more than life and realizes that pouring into others is what this season in her life is all about. she loves God, she loves people, and i desperately hope that i am half the woman/mommy that she is. she is incredible. and i am so grateful.

fast forward to saturday morning. my alarm went off maybe 3 times before i finally got up. half asleep but so ready to be His hands and feet. meeting my best friends who were excited as i was. and then getting to see Hannah Grace (my mentee) and Compassion International Jr. serve was almost too much to handle. they were so excited to be there. so excited to love on kids. so excited to be His servants.

there probably aren't adequate words to describe saturday. so i just won't try. but i will say this- He was glorified. children hugged. children fed. smiles that you could feel. screams and yells full of laughter. it was just perfect.

i'm convinced of this: sometimes loving Him means sitting. and loving. and giving a kid a hamburger. and listening to their stories about school. you don't have to be in Mongolia for that. you just don't.

and it also looks like a little girl asking you to hold her hand. so we sat. and i held her hand. and i pray those kids realize just how much they are loved. because they are. deeply by their Heavenly Daddy and by a whole group of people who can't stop thinking about them.

"what's it to you?" -Jesus.

2011-01-24T18:59:00.000-08:00

a 21 day fast ended Sunday. we ended it with communion. which i think is beautiful. it began with worship of my Daddy and it ended in remembering all He taught me in the first 3 weeks of 2011.

i can give one word for those 3 weeks: worship.

not the kind you automatically think of. not the kind in the church. or in a conference. surrounded by your best friends who are also worshiping. but the kind that wakes you up in the middle of the night. the kind that makes you do crazy stuff on the way home from school. the kind that makes you cry as you leave the lecture hall.

and Sunday i saw a picture of just what Jesus desires this raw worship to look like.

i'm standing singing the songs, worried about the no signal blue box on one of the walls when Jesus shows off like He has done so often these past days.

a little boy. a perfect, beautiful little boy in a wheelchair is about 4 rows in front of me. on the end of an aisle. not where he usually sits so i usually don't get to see him until after church. there he is strapped in his chair. his mom beside him worshiping. and he begins to worship. worship like i have never seen. the kind that catches you off guard and takes your breath away. clapping his hands, smiling up towards the sky all at the same time. and being who i am my mind went here...

imagine his days. depending on his mother. not being able to walk. wearing braces on his legs that probably rub his legs and leave bruises. knowing that yet another day of not being "normal."

imagine what goes through his mind some days. he probably thinks about how he is a burden. he probably wishes he could go to the movies like his brothers. he probably thinks that no one will ever love him enough to marry him and take care of him.

imagine the kids at his school. he probably gets made fun of. he probably cries some nights. he probably would never tell his mom this though because he already feels guilty for her being tired.

but he praises. and to Jesus its probably the most pure form. because he is sitting in a chair he may never get out of. he is clapping with hands that go through physical therapy. he is pursuing his creator even though he may feel inadequate but he knows to our Daddy he is perfect. he was made in His image. there is not one flaw in Him.

oh, to have worship like that. pure. raw. sitting at His feet. knowing that we are broken. knowing that we need Him more than life itself.

clapping when we can hardly move our hands.

but most of the time we look at other people who don't appear to be as broken as we are. who look like they have it all together. who have an "easy" calling on their lives. and we wonder why. why can't i have it like they do? why can't my sister run like theirs? why can't i just be a school teacher in Georgia? why do they get recognition when they don't deserve it? why don't they get pushed as hard as i do? and the list goes on.

and all the while Jesus is looking us straight in the face like He did to Peter saying, "what's it to you?" we can't judge our stories based on other peoples. He uses us differently. and yes, we are all made in His image but we all are different. He molds our hearts and shapes our stories.

He is using it all. and i don't like to hear that sometimes but its true. every single uh-oh...He's using it. every single accomplishment...He's using it. every single family member that gets sick...yep, He's using it. those mistakes that haunt...you betcha, He's gonna use it. every tear stained night....oh, He is using it.

our stories are different. our worship is different. but our God is the same. and He always will be.

paint a canvas. project something onto some screen. color a picture. take a picture. make a movie. teach a class. move to China. just do whatever He wants you to.

and don't dare ask Him why your life can't be like....John Doe's. what's it to you? you don't know the end of your story and you don't know the end of theirs. just wait on Him. trust Him. He's way more creative and smart than we give Him credit for half the time.

worship Him fully. trust Him continuously. and do something good for His kingdom.

and read John 21.

Daddy, I'm scared.

2011-01-11T20:31:00.000-08:00

so i remember being in sixth grade. it was a normal day. the week had been just a normal week of middle school life. we had done our commercials in Mrs.Byrd's class. Jacob had spilled his experiment on the floor and left quite the stain. we all left school in a hurried rush because some of them might miss the bus. and everyone was always screaming "i love you, bye" as we left. we were all family. we grew up together.

my daddy got home. told me something about a wreck he heard about on the way home. i didn't think anything of it. a wreck to a sixth grader is something uncomprehendable. it happened to a stranger. a poor family. we prayed for them. daddy really prayed for them.

hours passed.

our house phone rang. it was for me. it was mandy.

"hey ivy. did you hear?"

that's all i remember. i couldn't comprehend it. i didn't want to hear it. i was scared to death.

my friend jacob. was in that wreck. my friend jacob and his sister were trapped in the backseat. my friend jacob. died. as a sixth grader he left this earth to go dance with our Jesus.

the next hours were full of questions. full of tears. full of screaming. screaming in my room. screaming at God.

i distinctly remember with my hair soaking wet from the shower and all in my face sitting on the couch with my daddy. he patted his lap. i got right on it. i cried. him and mama probably shed quite a few of their own those next few hours and days. with swollen eyes and a hurting heart i looked at my daddy and i said, "daddy, i'm scared."

that fear was validated. it was understandable. i had realized how fragile life was. not just my Granny's life who died four years earlier but the lives of people my age. the lives of merely children. and i was scared. and i was honest. and i was raw. i didn't care who saw that.

and that is exactly where i am right now.

every single prayer starts or ends with "Daddy, i'm scared." this is a big year. i finish college. i fill out applications for the next step. i will seek God daily for where He wants the next season of my life to be spent. i am going to say goodbye to the only life i have ever known. school since i was 5. how do i do life without school? how do i leave Jamie? how do i think about getting on a plane and praying my grandparents won't get sick while i am serving overseas?

these questions plague my mind. and i am not going to even attempt to act like i have it all together. i am a mess. a wreck. but the thought of not going where He sends me makes me even more of a wreck. the lives He is preparing in this very moment. the harvest He is preparing. it gets me so excited. so excited to see what He is going to do this year. in the next five years. in the next twenty years of my life. to see where He will take me and my future husband. to imagine the red, yellow, black, and white family that He has for me. everything is moving so fast. i can remember writing in my journal about 2010. and now. its long gone. His promises still remain though. He doesn't lie. ever. and He will come through.

2 more semesters to shine on my campus. 2 more semesters to reach my professors. 2 more semesters to be intentional with every single word. every single action. every single attitude. every single grade. i have Jesus. and i need to represent Him in the purest light i know how.

and that scares me. merely weeks to show them Christ. merely weeks.

i will not stand back and watch my peers run away from God. pretend He is dead. because He is alive. and He is stirring up a revolution bigger than anyone can ever imagine. He is here. even now. even when the problems of this world seem strong, He is stronger. He is good. He is in control even.now.

Daddy, i'm scared but i'm jumping anyways.

December, you were epic.

2010-12-27T22:12:00.001-08:00

December is always one of those months that i love. who doesn't love Christmas trees? and parties? and singing "happy birthday Jesus?" and getting cards in the mail everyday? and the semester coming to an end? and hot chocolate? and tacky sweaters? it gets no better than that!

it's always a hustle and bustle full of smiles and a little stress before finals week. this year was no different in these areas. but it was just the best month of my life. some of the best moments of my year and the most influential conversations with people and my Heavenly Daddy happened this month. it was intense. and crazy. and i have never seen His faithfulness like i did thisDecember.

it all began with Deeper Still. i heard exactly what He wanted me to. even when it was hard and i didn't want to listen; He found a way to get it through to me during those 2 days. a caravan of 24 women joining 14,000 other women in worship and seeking Him and only Him. it made for a beautiful beginning to the month. the online became offline. He showed off His power. and glory. i got asked to repeat words. and i met a few women who are incredible and seem to know a lot about me. and there was snow. our God is crazy cool. in the tops for favorite weekends.

i finished finals the next week. Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus.

actually, the day i finished off my semester ended with a fast drive back to Albany. and a dash up the stairs at Phoebe only to wait a little while longer for the little lion man, Judah, to be born. we were all beside ourselves. on the way there i could do nothing but pray for that sweet little life about to be born. he is a world changer and a revolutionary. i know these things. with the parents he has there is no way that he won't rock this world for Jesus. he is a lucky boy. and is surrounded by a big ole community that loves him to pieces. he's the first baby in our "group" so imagine how spoiled this little man will be?

sometimes i pray things and i really don't think that He is listening. and then days like December 8 happen. and i know He is listening so very closely. and He doesn't have to prove Himself to us but He chooses to let us know that we are His and He cares about the silly stuff we care about.

there was an unseasonable snow in Albany December 8. it hardly ever snows in Albany. not even flurries happen often. so everyone was a little taken off guard of this said snow that happened. it was a little dose of happiness. and a big showing of His power. and faithfulness to those who love Him.

conversations seasoned this month. full of stories of seeing His hand in the everyday. God never forsaking those who follow Him. the callings-great and small-of a God that doesn't need us but chooses to let us work for Him. talks of the next few years. our Jesus works in mysterious ways. so mysterious. but its so exciting.

Landy Kate asked me about the "hungers." she seems to be amazed that they are my friends and i know them. she has a big heart that God is going to use in a mighty way in His kingdom and i am so thankful i will be here or there to watch it all unfold. she asks some hard questions at the sweet age of 5 and some that are almost silly but to have that faith that she does. goodness. she is a little missionary. full of compassion. and a bulletin board full of pictures of children in Peru and Haiti that she prays for. Christmas Eve i got to watch her little life be sparked. sparked in such an incredible way. holding her. standing in a room full of the homeless and lonely of our city. her eyes were wide open and i know her heart was being molded. "IB, do you know him too?" talks with Cakes this month probably rank in top ten moments of my life. its not often you find a child with love like that.

Hilary also graduated this month. my baby sister cousin graduated from UGA. and she moves to Senegal March 9. this is another post for another day. just know that i am one proud cousin.

oh, and Harber my next to last cousin turned 13. not right. doesn't seem possible. he is our little man-thats growing up!

i got together with some of the girls i graduated highschool with. it's never awkward or lame. we always pick up right where we left off. and i am blessed. its not often that you are still friends with people you graduated with years ago. its not often you have a group of women sold out to God to call friends. they encourage me like no other. and are some of the few who saw the dreams take hold in my life. it was a process and they were there to experience it every step of the way. they are amazing. and beautiful. and the perfect dose of laughter in my life!

i also got to spend enormous amounts of time with my "we do life together" friends. and people like Mandy K. and JayeJaye who pour into my life. and seeing my Jill become a mom has been such a cool thing. these are people who stand up for me. even when i sound crazy. and pray for my professors every single day. they tell me when i am wrong. college kinda puts a damper on the social life of a senior so seeing them everyday has been awesomeeeeee.

December was just good. full of friends. new and old. full of Jesus. full of family. and full of faith.

and i am at a loss. and at the end. God is too good to me. Christmas deserves a post by itself. and it will come soon:)

shine for Him. have a childlike faith. and NEVER ever doubt the faithfulness of our God. He is so worthy. of our everything.

it's about a love made public.

2010-12-23T11:51:00.000-08:00

the last Sunday of Advent is behind us and tomorrow starts the two days where the worlds sits still and remembers. remembers a Priest who came to us in a shack. remembers a King who would lay His life down humbly for His people. remembers that moment when the angels in heaven held their breath and at His first breath let out a great big "hallelujah!" we remember the things that we often overlook. we remember that young couple whose world was completely shaken up by the birth of a newborn baby.

this past year, Luke 1:38 has been my life verse and probably always will be. and yes, it's part of the Scripture that we read at Christmas but i think its more than okay to live by it every day of the year.

"I am the Lord's servant," she said. "May it be done to me according to Your word."

imagine being Mary. a young, terrified teenage girl who had just seen an angel. probably something that most of us will never visibly see until we get to heaven. she saw an ANGEL that spoke directly to her, telling her she would carry the son of God, the healer of the nations, our redeemer, our rescuer. Mary was going to raise Him and feed Him and bathe Him and buy Him clothes and talk to him about growing up. of course she was terrified but she prayed that whatever He wanted, let it be done. and she knew God's word was pure and just and holy and there was nothing in His character that wanted to harm her so she trusted Him every step of the way.

i want to be like Mary. be willing to lay it all down. to trust Him when i am scared to death. to hold Him close and to know that He is completely mine.

i have come to the conclusion that God is also wanting this to be my goal since i have received emails and women that i love dearly praying this verse over me without even knowing. isn't our God cool?

let's talk about how cool He is. December 7 a little perfect boy was born to some of my greatest friends, Johnny and Jill. Johnny is my college pastor and Jilligan is my small group leader. to say they are family is a sore understatement. Judah Andrew came into the world and was surrounded first thing by a community that will love, sacrifice, and watch him grow up. seeing that little Christmas miracle makes me feel like all of us(especially women) can understand that night that Jesus came into this crazy world.

holding "hey jude" and watching him as he sleeps, there is nothing quite like it. and i am sure Mary felt the same way, watching our Savior breathe in and out. brushing her hand against his little rosey cheeks and praying over Him. she watched as her dearest friends and even strangers would stop by their house to love on Jesus, to give Him gifts, and to simply just stare at the miracle that is the birth of any child. Mary held that small baby knowing that one day He was going to change the world for good and for the glory of His Heavenly Daddy. she knew His small, tender hands would go on to do incredible things for His Father's Kingdom. Mary held Him tight and probably tried not to think about the coming years of Him going away.

so this Christmas, i feel like i have a new set of eyes. i am feeling Christmas in my heart a little bit different. He is peace and love and mercy. and i hope you feel every single one of those as you enjoy these next few days with your family.

be like Mary. hold Him close and love Him completely.

and be on the look out in the coming years for the world changer that is Judah Andrew.

our Heavenly Daddy made His love public for us. He didn't try to hide the coming King. He didn't keep it in the secret. but instead, He let the whole world know of the great redeemer that had come to set us free. so, this Christmas, don't keep it all in. make His love in you public. feed the hungry. clothe the poor. love on the helpless. its the way He would want His birthday celebrated.

reason 2. the ordinary starting turning into Disney moments.

2010-12-20T22:31:00.000-08:00

2010 was one of those years for me. one of those that you can't really see the end of. one that stretched and pulled me in ways i never thought possible. i feel like i grew more in 2010 than any other year. and yeah yeah yeah, i know. everyone says that every year. but i'm serious. biggest year of growth thus far. and i think this is just the beginning.

a pretty normal statement i hear from time to time is that i am "deviant" in college culture. is this statement true? in many ways, yes. does this put a big standard to hold inn my day to day life? definately yes. its intimidating. so intimidating. and honestly, i depend on Him completely to let me shine because if it was up to me i would probably screw up every single step of the way.

my life isn't ordinary. and i really don't think He ever wants it to be. every Christian's life should look completely different, a 360 from that of the world. and this isn't easy. because we are living in such a messed up world. the commercials scream for us to pay money we don't have for stuff we don't need. and kids are getting cell phones when they are 5. and we volunteer at soup kitchens but won't dare stop to pray for the homeless man on the street because "he has been drinking." it's messed up. we sit on padded pews and eat $15 meals after the sermon about serving the "least of these." we will give money to any school in town but when the church asks for it, we claim that the preacher just wants a bigger salary or nicer car. we live in a world of materialism. we live in a world that hates Christians and if you aren't hated...you are doing something wrong. sorry to burst your bubble.

i am definately not saying i have it all together. because that is the farthest thing from the truth. i am a recovering sinner and i mess up a lot. all i am saying is, we should aim to have not so ordinary lives. who wants to be average, anyways?

i was taking a gander at my life. being nostalgic. my life has been so different and almost weird.
i grew up in ministry. i have never known anything different. i guess that is why i am drawn to other people in ministry and people older than me. i am an old soul and i am okay with that. i grew up sitting on the piano bench with my daddy practicing for Sunday mornings. i used to watch Dino play the piano instead of cartoons at the ripe age of 3 with popcorn in hand..that is not exactly normal. and then my perfect baby sister flipped our world upside down. a sister who can't walk or talk make the family dynamics far different than any other family. i sorta had to grow up fast. when you see your sister scream and cry as she has seizures back to back...you can' help but act like a grown up. i have parents who spent countless nights on their knees praying for the seizures to stop, for Jamie to walk, for Jamie to talk, for me to be able to have a normal life..funnny thing is...God didn't want us to have a normal life. a different kind of maturity came from being in my family. i always felt like no one really got me. now, some people pretended really well. but they still thought my dreams. and heart. and life was so weird. i was the one in elementary school during prayer requests asking about the people in the jungle who hadn't heard the name of Jesus. that should have been a clue, huh? and then fast forward. i dropped nursing like it was hot against what everyone said because i would meet a nice young man in school and make good money. this i did not care about at all. i was aimlessly taking classes waiting to hear His voice on what to do. and it came. and it was for something so liberal. and intimidating. and i went for it. and i had to learn to speak up. and not be the quiet student. and i had to learn fast how to share my testimony with a class full of Atheists. He taught me boldness. this large big dose of it came my way. it hit me hard. and i don't think i would recognize the quiet student i was in highschool. my old teachers seem to be shocked.

all of that to say my life isn't normal. and it won't be. and i am not sure what it will look like in 2011 but i know that it's gonna take some faith and jumping this year.

it will look like more prayers with the homeless under the bridge. and more blankets and Bibles to give out. it will probably look like more hard questions from my professors. and God proving how faithful He is by giving them the desire to seek out blogs of His servants. it will look like confirmation from God that no one can deny. it will be just another chapter in this huge, beautiful story that is His.

2010 had a few moments that in the world's eyes were ordinary. when i look back....walt disney could not make those moments more perfect. and those moments will forever be in my heart and the back of my mind. i will cherish them forever. and probably not even one person could guess what they were but that's okay because they are like little love notes from God just for me. and only me.

see God in the everyday. He is there. and He wants you to live this life that the world thinks is crazy. and weird. and sometimes lame.

live it for Him. and look for Him.

why did i like 2010?! reason 1.

2010-12-16T16:47:00.001-08:00

Ivy Laing | Peru from Chris Fenner on Vimeo.

peru is my heart. and this one of the reasons why.

a little girl named Zaida.

and 2010 held the moment of seeing her once again.

she is a gift from God. and her life and the life of her family shows me just how big His story is.

bringing together a random meeting of a little girl in Lima. and a girl from Georgia. two families who pray for each other. and love the Lord so much. it's just a line in my story that no one else could make up.

searching door to door, she was found. and i hope i never forget that. a random chance meeting that turned into a passion so big i just don't know how to contain it.

the video captures it all so well. mad props to Chris Fenner. (@fenner403)

going deeper still.

2010-12-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

i have tried to write about Deeper Still five times now. this time i will just post it no matter what comes out.

Deeper Still was this beautiful, perfect time of God literally whispering in my ear each and every session, every worship time, and every time in between..."see, what I told you is true."

do i think that God would tell me a lie? no. do i sometimes act like it's almost too good to be true? yes. does He ALWAYS prove Himself faithful? every single time.

it's almost creepy. okay, not creepy but completely a God thing that every single piece of Scripture that Kay Arthur spent the most time on out of Matthew (she talked about the entire book of Matthew) was written in my journal from the week before. He was knitting things together long before i got to that arena with 14, 000 other women.

"don't worry about us, we are already dead!" oh, if we lived our everyday lives this way. sacrificial. because what we have does not matter. our lives are not our own. and true worship is realizing that while giving every single glory we may receive back to our Heavenly Daddy.

as i sat there surrounded by women in every direction possible but most importantly 2 rows of women who would fight Satan himself and protect me from whatever came my way....how lucky am i? and it was exactly what Priscilla Shirer talked about. having someone in your life that will believe with you. not look at you crazy. not be a doubting thomas. but instead get on their knees and pray that His story is played out in your life. pray that your heart is guarded and your dreams are secured in Him. women that push you to go do something you feel ill-equipped to do because we know He will show up and use us. those people who push you to reach for the promises He has made and stand on His word no matter what this world might say.

and...i have such an incredible set of women who do that. a couple are my best friends. a couple are women who i trust with everything and they pour into my life: truth (even when i don't want to hear it) and tons of love. and my family is the greatest out there; although my dreams freak them out and i am positive each and everyday all of them wish i had just become a nurse...i know that they want what God wants and He doesn't want that for my life :)

i am blessed.

and being blessed is realizing that we do have treasures. that's what precious Beth Moore talked about. TREASURES. they are out there but they have to make it past our defenses. they get lost in the same trash as our time. i have so many treasures. and i don't deserve a single one of them. i have people who support me. i have a family that loves Jesus more than anything in this world. i have a family that believes what He says even when people seriously look at us crazy on a daily basis. i have friends that might not like what i will do after college, but they pray for me and support me anyways. i have this group of people who get my heart. and we don't necessarily have to live in the same place but to know that God has knitted a group of people together and they get my dreams. and fears. and my heart. is the most beautiful treasure out there.

let's just say that He showed off that weekend. and then He showed off again when something i prayed for as a safety net actually happened. and then it flurried in Albany. He likes to show His children He is more than able. He is faithful and true.

He is not lying to you. i promise.

falling. watching. learning.

2010-11-14T20:50:00.000-08:00

i don't think i quite know how to describe these past few months other than: insanity. but i have found the most beautiful hope in my Heavenly Daddy.

He is strong. and good. and my best friend. and He doesn't say mean things to me. or criticize my dreams. or look at me like i am crazy. He just loves me. in this striking, take my breath away kind of way.

my basket is full with classes. and friends. and homework. and family. and church. and dreaming. and my homeless friends. but i don't think i would have it any other way. you take one of those things away and i am not Ivy. i need them. i want them. i love them.

these past few months, i have been typing away lettters, making lists, and sending thank-you notes all in preparation for a mission trip to Haiti in December.

but. it has been cancelled. looks like cholera is a bigger deal than i ever dreamed. and i want to be there. but His plan is bigger. and i am just being human when i say i don't understand. and my heart longs to walk those streets. and love those kids. and one day i will. the list He gave me long ago...it says so.

that week was kind of like when you are 6. and you learn how to ride your bike. you fall. you get this huge bloody scrape on your knee. you sit in the road and cry. and then your Daddy comes. he picks you up. and holds you. and whispers how much he loves you and how proud he is. and then. you get back on the bike.

that's exactly what it was like. and i am back on the bike. and i am eager to see what December holds. because my Heavenly Daddy makes no mistakes. i do. but He doesn't.

i mess up all the time. and i am not a perfect friend. and i am certainly not the best daughter or sister. but i am His. and i am a recovering sinner. we all are.

but i am thankful for His love. and for His grace. and for Him pouring out blessings. because we don't deserve it.

my small group is going through James. realling digging into it. and let me just say. it will mess you up.

because i don't go to the prisons and share the gospel. and i don't spend time at the hospital. and these things are gonna have to change.

and i have to love the poor with a deeper sacrificial love. and i don't know exactly what that looks like. but i think it started when my socks came off. and Clayton all of a sudden had warm feet.

i want to be at a point where if someone needs shoes...i take mine off. no question. and if someone needs a book at school and can't afford it...i get into my savings and pay for it. i just wanna love hard. and love them like Jesus.

i want to carry the burdens of the mourning. and love the ones who can't love me back. and turn the other cheek when people speak harsh things towards me.

and i can't do it alone. and i realize this all seems a little bit intense. but my God is one intense God. and He calls us to give away all we have to follow Him. and most days that scares me to death. and then there are days where...my Jeep could pay for a house in Africa. i look forward to the day of college graduation. i look forward to the day of running into His plans wide open. not that i am not in His plan right now because let me tell you He has great things planned for that campus. and my professors. they have no idea.

i am sorry i am rambled. my heart is kind of a mess. and i don't have it all together. and i think He likes it that way.

a revolution...more like love, less like a riot.

2010-09-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

In this heart of mine, this summer has been revolutionary. God has revealed Himself so clearly. He has weeded out my dreams and plans while putting new ones in my heart. He has given comfort. He has given peace. He has caused me to be absolutely stoked about what the future holds. He has brought people into my life that understand my dreams and heart. And He has made me realize I have people in my life that will lay down their lives with mine to see a world changed for His glory.There are several reasons that I want to stir up a revolution for His glory. mainly because He said so.

but Jamie and Zaida have a lot to do with it too.

Jamie. Everyone loves Jamie. She lights up a room. She loves people without boundaries. She is so special. And because Jesus gave me Jamie, everytime I see a disabled child my heart breaks and everytime I see someone having a hard time I feel the need to help. She is such a blessing, we had no idea 18 years ago. God has molded my heart and dreams and they wouldn't be quite the same if I hadn't gone through all we have with Jamie.I wouldn't feel the need to be the voice for those who have no voice. I wouldn't be tender to the call of helping the helpless. And I surely would never imagine that kids with disabilities have one of the largest pieces of my hopes and dreams without Jamie. Jamie loves people without them having to love her. It annoys me greatly some days but she speaks to EVERYONE we see. "hello, hello" with a huge wave. And the smile on people's faces (most of the time...when they don't speak back it makes this big sister not so happy) is priceless. The love of Jesus pours out of her. And she doesn't even know it. Especially when someone opens the door for her and as we push her wheelchair by..she kisses their hand. We have told her you just can't be kissing people...but she loves hard.:) So part of this so called revolution Jesus calls us to has a lot to do with helping the helpless. He was all about not only healing the sick but making sure they were taken care of. He cares. period. and so should we.

Zaida. In 2005, I met the sweetest little girl alive in Lima, Peru. She waited for me outside the center because she wasn't sponsored. Her smile is deep. Her heart is tender. And she has seen more hurt in her life that I can probably even imagine. I will never know what it is like to go to bed hungry because there is not enough food to go around. I will never know what its like to go to the creek to bring in water filled with dirt for drinking and bathing that day. But I am so glad God saw fit to bring her into my life. And He gave the pastor direction so they could find her in that village filled with hundreds of shacks. Door to door they went, picture in hand and the wrong name in search of a little girl that didn't even know she needed to be found. Isn't it how it was with us? He sought us out. He found us. And we didn't even realize we needed to be found by Him. Now she has hope. Now she has food at least once a day. Now I can assure you this little girl will not go longer than 2 months without getting something delivered to her. Because this little girl...who I have only held in my arms 3 times...has such a large piece of my heart. My friends joke that she is my child. But really...the love is deep. She is the picture of rescue. She is the picture of hungry children being fed because of people giving their lives for His glory...(AMG International blows me away by its national workers). She knows she is loved by her Heavenly Daddy and that makes everything worth it.

Peru was obviously the main highlight of my summer, for reasons people will probably never fully understand. My heart is there but I think it is so much more than that. Part of it is that I know my calling is to be His love. period. and in Peru I feel like I accomplish that. It's almost selfish. On the mission field, people always talk about the sacrifice being made to go share the Gospel. For me, its a pleasure. I feel so happy, SO happy there. It's always been one of those places that my heart skips a beat...once again, for a million different reasons. I pray that I am His light here. I pray that I am His love here. Because when I told Him I would go wherever He told me to, I meant it. So when He keeps me here for longer than I would like...it's obvious He has a purpose. And His love will be poured out every step of the way.

My summer has been beautiful. Full of amazing people. Full of learning. Full of teaching. It will be remembered with a song, a few pictures, and a really grateful heart. BUT...in a few weeks, I start back classes. Summer will be over. Part of me is so ready to see the people and have a set schedule again. But there is part of me that is nothing but fear.

It is so intimidating walking into those classrooms knowing that you are the only Christian. Because you see, they don't ask the trivial questions. They don't care what your favorite class is. or your favorite book of the Bible. They want to know why my heart is for adoption. They want to know why I choose to follow Christ even when it is hard. They want to know how I deal with serving a loving God when the world seems to be in chaos. They get down to the issue. Because they NEED to know. And yes, they make fun of me. And yes, sometimes they say stuff for the pure fun of making me upset. But He can change their hearts. And He is right there in that classroom when they ask the tough stuff. He gives favor to me when they should hate me. I am ready to see Him do crazy cool things on that campus. In that building. And in that department. They don't want my Jesus but He wants them. And when He rocks them...it's going to be a revolution like no one has ever seen.

And to be honest being a light isn't always easy. Everyone would do it if it was.

He taught the stars to shine and they do. But here I am saying, "Daddy, it's too hard." And that disgusts me. When all He wants me to do is trust Him. And He's sitting on His throne whispering, "trust.ME.child. Don't you know I have it?"

Here's the thing though. Loving is easy for me. My heart is big. I like getting people's hearts. I like getting to know people. I just love loving people. And that is all it takes. Love is the revolution itself. Laying ourselves down. Going to talk to the person that gets on everyone else's nerves. Stopping to pray with that homeless man with whiskey on his breath knowing he is heading to the liquor store as soon as you leave. Sometimes it means giving up comfort in a world that is full of comforts everywhere. we don't have to scream. we don't have to start a riot. we don't have to hold secret meetings on how to change the world...just go do it. love them hard. and them teach them. serve them. be willing to fight. because Satan wants nothing more than for us to stop.

so this summer will be remembered by a starting of a revolution. because its happening. i see it in my friends. i see it in my city. i see it in my old high school. so people that have been in my life this summer, thank you. you're awesome. and let's continue this little revolution.

"Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard." Isaiah 58:7-8.

a year.

2010-08-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

so.

a year makes quite the difference.

period.

summer 2009.

summer 2010.

last summer. i never quite imagined i would be here. i was so nervous about starting GSW. but no one knew that. i didn't quite know how to speak up for my Savior in a classroom full. i was 21. i wanted out of here. i wanted to see a movement. i wanted to be that change. honestly, i was fearful. and that's all there is to it. i didn't know what this year would look like. i had NO idea what to expect.

this summer. i was that change. i want to BE the movement of Christ to the nations. to this city. to that campus. i am 22.i go into this semester confident in my Jesus, knowing its His story not mine. i know i will be laughed at and asked the hard questions but i also know that i can handle it with Him at my side. i got introduced as "she is really into missions and outreach. like REALLY into it." this makes me feel like i may be going in the right direction. it's all Him anyways.

i think my life scares people.
well, my dreams do. that was evident tonight.

and i NEVER imagined that this picture would define my life at 22. senior year of college.

God, You are too good to me.

this summer.

2010-07-31T21:21:00.000-07:00

i can't explain how much i have loved this summer. what i have learned this summer. how just this past month has surprised me a great deal. i am at a loss for words.

all i know is that i have loved every minute of it.

there are songs that will always remind me of this summer.

there are people that i met this summer that i will never forget.

there are lessons God has taught me this summer...that i am still processing.

God has flipped my world upside down.

my heart is so full.

you know when you meet someone and they "get" you? that is exactly how this summer has been.

every bit of it is a God thing. every moment. every awkward question. every smile. God works in the coolest ways.

so...GSW...look out...it is ON this next semester.

the middle.

2010-07-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

so i am officially 22.

and i just turned 22 surrounded by pictures, journals, letters, and memories of Peru sprawled out all over my bed. tonight is the night i will get letters ready to be sent out to my supporters...they so deserve it.

this year has been a whirlwind. full of laughter. full of growth. full of some quiet moments. full of some not so quiet moments. full of best friends. full of people i meet in lines at the store. full of new friends. full of a little bit of awkwardness. full of His light. full of His goodness. full of His joy.

i don't think i have ever experienced God work like i have this past year. thinking back on it...blows me away. how quickly i forget what He has done. He opened and molded my heart in ways that i never imagined. He opened doors that were nailed shut. He gave me so much courage and boldness that it was evident to my professors. He gave me favor with the people who were suppose to hate Christians. He gave me so much more than i deserve.

i never thought i would be here at 22. i had way different plans in high school. and those curve balls He throws...get us on the right track. i didn't plan on staying in Albany for college. i didn't plan on caring about others so much it hurts. i didn't plan on being a sociologist. i really didn't plan on carrying around Bibles, water, food, and blankets in my car while being "that" girl they all know. and i surely didn't plan on living a life everyone else is scared to.

there was a point where i decided to get over myself. and i quickly threw out that dream we all or most have of....a big house, rich husband, white picket fence, four white kids in private school uniforms. because that is not what He has for me at.all. my life is way different. already it is. and i am pretty sure there is no telling what He has up His sleeve next.

this year friends and support have come from all over the place. states away. missionaries in countries i knew nothing about. people adopting that read this very blog and emailed me to pray with and for them. why He chose me, i will never grasp.

i feel like there are things states away. countries away. people that i will come in contact with that are going to change my life. things that are going to be fulfilled this next year. and i am stokedddddddddd.

my heart is so full. its running over.

i feel like this is how life is suppose to be. faith He has it. running full force into what He has in store.

if i don't risk it all this year, it's pointless.

He's so worth it. every bit of it.

He can do it ALL by Himself but He chooses to let me help and for that i am so grateful for this 22 year of life.

my cup runneth over.

2010-07-18T21:55:00.000-07:00

so much to say.

the next few days will be filled with blog posts that should have been done last week.

Peru will be continued:)

i got a preview of the video...and when you see it ...it will blow you away. His goodness and love is seen all over it.

my summer looks different than i thought.

my heart is full.

i like the new people in my life. a lot.

august is coming too fast.

i can't quite describe what i feel.

there's this boy.

2010-07-12T21:27:00.001-07:00

whose eyes are dark brown. and who is still in elementary school.

...on a different continent. who speaks a different language. and who completely stole my heart.

Josue.

2007.

he found me every chance he got at the church. he was the church's baby. everyone held him. loved on him. and did everything he wanted:)

2010.

i couldn't believe how big he has gotten. i gave him a picture of me and him from my last trip. he was pretty excited but wouldn't dare show it. he wanted me to hold him. and when i did...his legs hung down my body. and i loved it. he is growing. so fast. and it makes me want to spend so much more time with him. and pour into his life. but i trust this...if He doesn't send me there for good...He will put someone into his life that will pour. and love. and keep his trust. i am sure that my God will provide that.

and my favorite moment with Josue...meeting his mom. who wanted her picture taken with me. my heart was full and is full just thinking about it. and when i hugged her neck that was tired. and worn. and browned from the sun. i knew in that instant...i was exactly where He wanted me.

i didn't have a chance to say bye to him. and i still get sad thinking about it. but i trust my Daddy let his sweet little heart know that one day...i will be back. and will hold him even then.

Yungar. its a place of hope.

2010-07-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

there is this small town outside of Huaraz. its small. its quaint. it used to be a place of desperation but now it is a place of hope.

my first trip to Peru...we went to the AMG childcare center there. and we had been forewarned that the kids would be small. they would probably smell bad. and the whole town would want to know what we were doing there. it was so small. a little room with benches but so full of love. the pastor of this church is incredible and the most genuine person i have ever met. Yungar became a place that i loved. the kids wanted us to love on them. they needed attention. and they needed our Savior. in 2005, there was 1 sponsored child at this center. now, there are many sponsored children hearing the Word of God and getting a hot meal everyday.

isn't it incredible how our Jesus works? His hand is all over that center. you can see it. you can see it in the children's faces. you can see it as the women stand in the dirt floor kitchen and prepare meals for children that are not their own. you can see it as the pastor plays soccer with the children. Jesus is the reason for that place and it shows.

my favorite part of our time at Yungar was that we got to serve the children their meal. there are no words to describe how it feels to sit down that plate knowing that it could be their only meal for the day. no words to describe what its like to stand in that dark room and hear them singing to God with such joy thanking Him for the meal they are about to eat knowing that i often forget to thank Him for the meals i eat three times a day. there are just no words. this is one of those places where His goodness overflowed. and it overtook me.

and i thought about my friends living on the street in Albany. and i prayed. i prayed hard that they had a hot meal that day.

love exploding. in Huaraz.

2010-07-08T21:06:00.001-07:00

Huaraz is my favorite place. probably in the world.

its authentic. gorgeous. and holds onto a piece of my heart for so many reasons.

my first trip to Peru in 2005...i met this little girl named Elisabeth. she was so pretty. so sweet. and attached to me like glue. the next time i saw her in 2007, she grew up so much! but she was still my sweet girl.

this time...i was blown away. i didn't see her sunday morning in church. but i did see her sunday night. we looked at each other with puzzled faces and wondering eyes. trying to figure out if it WAS really who we thought it was. the next day we went to look at homes. and her house was on my groups tour. :)

later that day i gave her mom some pictures i had taken last tme of them at the church. of me and Lesli (her sister), of me and Elisabeth, and of the girls and their mom. oh, i love this lady so. i really do. and she broke down with tears through a smile she was so excited to actually have pictures of them. she showed them off. and told me thank you at least 50 times.

and then my sweet Elisabeth came up and whispered in my ear. she wanted to know if i remembered her. be still my heart. how could i forget her?! she told me she knew i would come back one day to see her. my heart was exploding. she has grown up so much. so very much. and loves Jesus with everything she is.

Elisabeth's sister, Lesli, is also quite the girl. and has a piece of my heart. she has something wrong with her eye. and cannot keep going to school if she does not have surgery. but her family does not have the money to afford it. so i am asking for prayer that our Jesus will heal, provide, and touch that family.

this was in 2007.

----------->
and this was this past trip:) oh, my sweet girls have grown up!

this is just ONE little girl in Huaraz. so many more stories to come from my time in Peru. get ready.

"we are the fragrance of Christ to those who are being saved and among those who are perishing." 2 Corinthians 2:15.

my favorite name to be called is "hermana."

2010-07-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

well, it has almost been a month since i set my feet back in the states. and it has taken this long to really dive into what He taught me. who He is teaching me to be. and what He wants to do with all of this.

my verse for this trip:
"For God has not given you a spirit of fear but one of power, love, and sound judgement."
2 Timothy 1:7.

my Aunt Gayla prayed for me and gave me this verse. she told me to remember it. now, i have known this verse for such a long time but never really sat and thought about what exactly my Heavenly Father meant when He promised us that. and i had no idea just how much it would mean to me once i got to Peru.

He gave me peace like i have never known on the bus ride to Huaraz. i slept like a baby up that crazy mountain in the middle of the night. He looks after His sheep. He indeed looks after His children.

and He proved His love to me once more when I fell the first day in Huaraz. it was a hard fall. my leg was black. and walking miles upon miles a day did hurt but i like to think i was somewhat of a trooper. come to find out...when i got back i still had a black leg so i went to see the doctor. she said that i busted a major vessel in my leg. there was a blood clot but it calcified quickly, which if this hadn't happened...walking miles a day...at 12,000 feet...and airplanes...a blood clot would not have done well in these conditions. but my Jesus makes a way out of no way.

no matter how many times i go to Peru i will still be blown away by one thing...their joy. these people are SO satisfied in Christ that it doesn't matter if they have no food. it doesn't matter if their child has a disability. it doesn't matter if they walk 8 miles to church. it just doesn't matter. but what does matter to them is their love and service to Christ. they are faithful in service. and they are grateful for all they do have. a prayer that literally brought tears to my eyes in the childcare center said, "dear Lord, thank you for all of our things." now, this seems just like a little prayer but when you walk through these children's homes...you will understand. feces covering the walkways. turkeys in the corner. no roof. and the animals have more space than the 6 children who are living in this home. they thank Him for that. they thank Him for what they do and don't have because they know that He will provide. those tiny, little dirty hands folded together in desperation to talk to God and let Him know that they are grateful. it gets me.

this is just the first part. more distinct stories with pictures coming up:)

stay tuned....

i promise.

2010-07-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

there is a Peru post in the works.

so much to pour out of this heart. it's so full.

its a puzzle.

2010-04-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

some random happenings in my life.

1. i have a huge book to read this weekend. and one to finish. oh, on a side note this book is revolutionary...it is made of plastic. i stuck it in the sink last night. waterproof all the way.

2. i'm thankful for friends who care enough to tell me what font to use on an assessment. it may seem small but it was needed and so very appreciated:)

3. i am convinced He cares way more about the journey. who we are. and who we influence. than what our title is.

4. my best friend lives in the same city as me and i talk to people 8 hours away more than her. life HAS to slow down at some point.

5. He's shaking up my world. and some days it freaks me out. and some days i am ready for my world to be turned upside down. ready or not...

6. my dad asked me tonight about a lady we saw. he asked her name. her story. and if she had somewhere to stay. i think he is beginning to accept my heart is not the norm. i think he's proud. i think he's scared to death. i think he knows that He is in control.

7. my small group rocks. and those women have HUGE callings on their lives. we will probably never all be sitting in that living room like we were last night again. and that scares me. in a good way. and i like that we constantly talk about Uganda. and orphanages. and adopting. they get me like no one else ever will. well, except one.

8. i think He has already orchestrated things like He wants them. and i know that. i see it. its too much to realize sometimes. because its rather insane. some people will never believe it. but some already do.

9. i like direct messages on twitter more than anyone should.

10. i wish i was brave enough to get out of this grey area. but its better for Him to work out the details anyways.

school is almost over for the semester. i feel like everything i have done has been in vain. i'm exhausted. being at war is no fun. but this is what i am certain of...chaos will occur on that campus and when it does...He will be cheering on His throne.

ramblings.

2010-04-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

my weekend consisted mostly of sociological statistics formal assessment. sounds fun, righ?

ehhhh, negative...

i was going to be at this. but driving 6 hours by myself didn't quite sound so appealing the closer it got. and jaye, only the coolest pastor's wife i know, told me it wasn't allowed:)

(via @worshipvj)

ticket purchased.

emotions heightened.

annnnndddd no one else could get a ticket because it sold out.

story of this girl's life.

mark my word...one day i will meet Beth Moore. promise.

my weekend did have some much needed elements in it.

.like dinner with katy, sam, graham, braley, anna, lindsey, jordan, chris fenner, kyle, erica, tyler, alec, anna 2, and cara. yes, we took up a big table. :)

..sleeping for more than 4 hours was also nice.

...Georgia had PERFECT weather this weekend.

....relay for life.

.....greenbriar. mexican. angels and airwaves. and 1204B completed it.

oh, some of my best friends are GONNA HAVE A BABY!!!!! <-----i can hardly stand it i am so excited for them.

and getting to have a part in some of the most incredible high-school girls lives around makes life beautiful. these girls get it. like honestly get it. and it makes me proud. we can talk in the car about how they will avoid creepers. and then one of them wanted to understand sociology today...and that made this heart smile. God has HUGE things for them to do. they are a little piece of a revolution coming out of this place. stoked.

i might be over college. but i am not over what God is doing all around me. He's too good to me, i tell ya. too good.

his or mine? and does it really matter?

2010-04-13T22:08:00.000-07:00

okay. i don't like to talk about this. because it gets intense. and awkward fast.

BUT...

i have to let this out.

recently, i have been hearing more and more of the women in my life talk about not going to school for this reason: supporting their husbands and being submissive to his desires/God's will for his life. and raising their children to fear God and not care about what the world says.

let's tackle this slowly. and with care.

i understand that not everyone is made for college.

God uses people all the time without one ounce of college. and most days..i wish He would come on down and tell me to quit. the idea of that scares me to death but it would be a beautiful thing.

here's my problem with that: i don't like the idea of changing your passions and goals in life because the person that you are attracted to has completely different passions and goals. i think when its the right person...your hearts will be synced...and His plans for your lives just mesh together. i have seen it happen...a lot. and it is an amazing thing. absolutely amazing.

your hobbies will probably be different. you might like the beach and he might like the mountains. but i know that i know that i know that the important things...will be synced.

i think we should support our husbands FULLY and with compassion. i am just saying that using that as an excuse sometimes just does not cut it.

maybe all of this is radical for the South. but come on. God can use a woman just like He can use a man. and what if the woman is the one in the ministry and not the husband? and what if they are both in the ministry? what if they are both missionaries with completely different job titles? what if they sometimes have to live apart for a few weeks at a time? i think He takes care of all this. and that takes a huge weight off of us.

and the whole raising your kids to fear and obey God. i don't think you have to be a stay at home mom to do that. and i certainly think someone with a college degree can do a fine job of it.

there is a huge piece of my heart that hopes that i can stay home with my kids. and this might be in a mud hut. or airport. or might be some other random location. but this is what i know, wherever we are, God is there. and whatever we are doing, He is watching and listening out for His children. living with a white picket fence, waiting on your husband to get home with his brief-case...is not exactly raising your children to fear God.

i think it takes more courage to go to school. get that degree you probably will never use.

and show your kids that obeying God might be moving away from those you love. and fearing God might be loving Him so much that you cannot stand not to move to that place you really don't even want to visit.

i think when we follow Him completely. obey Him. take Him at His word. and trust the passions He has made our desires in our hearts...the details SO do not matter.

your husband might have to be okay with supporting you too. your kids might not always be the same color. and your family will look at you like you are insane. but the cool thing is...everyone thought Jesus was crazy too.

your thoughts are VERY much needed.

if he is scared, i am excited.

2010-03-25T20:50:00.000-07:00

I will start with this: I am okay with Satan hating on me.

Sounds crazy, right? well let me tell you about a few things.

if you haven't heard...our world is at war. we have to fight. every single day. and if you don't have to...you can count yourself lucky.

my campus is a war zone. i am a soldier. maybe not a good one, but i am one. trying to shine. trying to show greater love. trying to make "on earth as it is in Heaven" come to life in Georgia.

i don't think i have ever had so much spritual warfare as i have this semester. maybe because i prayed for fearless love and He gave it. maybe because my professors favor me when they shouldn't care about a word i say. maybe because He is up to something that i cannot even fathom.

...looking at my medical chart...i have been sick more since January than i have the past year.

,,,anxiety about this next year has overtaken me.

...chaos does not even begin to describe it.

...i had my first wreck today.let's be real. i was scared to death when the guy hit me today. and then i felt sorry for him. the paramedics, sheriff, and firemen were the sweetest and treated me like i was their daughter...offering their jackets and telling me to stay in the car out of the rain. He puts good stuff in my path these days. and i was anxiously awaiting for my Daddy. i was being taken care of but i needed him. and he came. and it was all okay.

i can't help but parallel this to my life at the current moment. yes, its busy. yes, its chaotic. and yes, sometimes i feel like a wreck. and sometimes friends or Bible studies or encouragement can make it better but it only is okay when our Father gets there. when we invite Him in. to take control.

it just so happens that the wreck happens on the day after my professor tells me he will sit down with me and figure out my classes. and the day after i drove across town to give out 2 meals and a Bible. Satan hates me.

looks like he is out for me. and to be honest, that makes me excited.

because if he is scared, I am excited.

because His plans are bigger. and better. and don't make sense sometimes. but that is the part that makes the journey so exciting:)

and He reminds me just how good He is by my best friends taking me to eat Mexican andpraying over me the sweetest, most tender prayers i have heard in a long time. they know this heart of mine and go along with the crazy dreams He has given me. they are some amazing people. and we also danced under the moon, in the driveway, singing really loudly to "A Girl Named Tennessee." so tell me why not to like Satan hating?

we fight because we know there is so much more.

2010-03-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

tonight, i miss this.

we were shamelessly

fighting

for our city.

we crossed

racial barriers.

and we loved them hard.

...this is Niecey. we prayed together and she asked Christ to be her

Savior that day:) one of my most memorable moments so far

in my life. it was absolutely beautiful. she is going to do some

amazing things for His glory! ...

..........................................................................................................................................................................

we love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19.

..........................................................................................................................................................................

13 years. africa and legacies.

2010-03-10T20:56:00.001-08:00

today it has been 13 years since I hugged my sweet Granny.

today marks 13 years that she has been dancing around with our Savior.

today marks 13 years since the day I just do not like to think about.

I talk about her often because she deserves to be talked about.

I love people because she taught me how to.

I never have to worry about being supported in missions because of the people she influenced, preached to, and left a legacy for.

And I have a burden on my heart for Africa...because we used to talk about it.

This past year, my burden for certain African countries has grown tremendously and I can't explain why except He is up to something:) I will tell you the first time my heart skipped a beat for the less fortunate. (And I smile just thinking about how Jesus allowed me to remember this)

Sitting at Granny's kitchen table.

She was reading to me out of encyclopedias. (yes, we are that cool)

She placed a basket on my head and made me walk around like that for the rest of the day.

Showing me...what it was like to live in Ethiopia, having to walk miles to get water.

And from that moment on...my heart has not been the same.

So because of her, I love the way Jesus loves me.

So because of her, I will live out a life that other people are scared to think about.

And because of her, I will share the Gospel with my atheist professors. ....why this one?

...because one of her hundreds of tax folks...just so happened to be an atheist psychology professor....coincedence? God-thing?...and she shared Christ with him every time she saw him. and he loved her for it. Today, he still comes to my house to get his taxes done by my mom. And he might not want to believe in my God but that never meant he didn't see His love all over my sweet Granny.

so tonight, my prayer is that I make her proud. that I make my Heavenly Daddy proud.

I pray her legacy lives on. through me. through my future children. and through their children.

oh, I miss her. but she is talking to Jesus about the revolution that is about to unfold:)

today..I wonder about 5 years from now.

2010-02-26T13:10:00.001-08:00

I don't have a lot to say today. Mostly because I am so busy I cannot even think straight on my day off.

But I wonder...in five years...will my life look like this.

Or will it look more like this. (with a child that looks a little more like me. haha.)

Or this.

What I hope most is that it is a comination. of all three of those pictures.

His plans are bigger. His ways are better. Sometimes I don't know exactly what He is up to...but I am liking it:)

He's too good for me. But He loves me anyways.

capital punishment. loving each other deeply. and knowing my Daddy.

2010-02-18T20:25:00.000-08:00

disclaimer: yes, this is really a post about capital punishment. and yes, i do live in south Georgia. and yes, i realize people may think this is over the top.

today, a LSU graduate student came to interview for a position at Southwestern. of course, it would be my class that he taught/was watched in.

he was nervous. he was awkward. he seemed super nice. he had red hair.

we talked about capital punishment. people being put to death wrongly. and how minorities are put to death more than white people. and my heart just hurts thinking about it again.

we filled out a survey and i said i didn't agree with it. i was one of like 3 in the liberal class who thought this. it was eye opening. aren't liberals for life in prison?

anyways, here is the deal. i honestly don't know if it is right. i am tired of taking everyone else's word for it. so i will search and pray and search some more. because my Daddy cares enough to let me know.

if someone ever hurt Jamester...i would want something done. probably not just prison. so this is where it gets tough. my human heart wants to say yes...but does God truly like what is going on?
... in Matthew 5:39 Jesus tells us to "turn the other cheek."
BUT
...in Isaiah 1:17 it says "learn to do right! seek justice, encourage the oppressed, defend the cause of the fatherless, and plead the case of the widow."

over the last few years....
Texas executed 379.
Georgia executed 38.
Tennessee executed 2.

for a few minutes today i wanted to move to TN, but then He reminded me of something...our world is corrupt and messed every single place i ever go.

my.heart. is. heavy.

today, being an English major at a Christian school would have been so much easier. but i think He has proved Himself faithful this week. He has screamed love. He has made God-things happen. and He has shown Himself not only to me, but to my professor who i love dearly through a friend's blog.

and so when i am confused. i will trust.
and when i can't see. i will trust.

September.

2010-02-16T21:43:00.001-08:00

this molding of my heart is continual. and beautiful. and i am really loving what He is doing.

and what He began doing that day in September.

Orlando. Mid September. Worship. with 40,000 other women.

it was amazing. and life changing. for so many reasons.

i was exhausted. and it refreshed me.

i was losing hope. and oh, how He renewed it.

i wasn't sure. and He made it so clear.

and then to top it all off, He allowed connections to be made. in THE most unexpected place ever. and for that i am forever grateful.

i guess He knows my heart better than i do, huh?

i will leave you with this random picture. why you ask? because it makes me laugh and shows the joy that my Daddy pours over me. :)

sometimes the things.

2010-02-15T21:44:00.000-08:00

sometimes the things that freak me out the most are the things that people say without thinking. knowing. or even caring.

today a girl (who knows nothing about my deep passions) said to me for the second or third time, "do you think one of your children is already alive?"

and the answer is always, "i. don't. know." i don't have it all together. i can't even imagine what He has in store these next few years.

dirt floors. mud shacks. loud streets. crowded orphanages. hurting people. His people. my future.

my heart beats funny during these moments. i feel Him re-arranging the rooms of my heart.

thanks for holding this heart, Daddy.

pictionary. Clayton. light bulbs.

2010-02-13T20:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when He speaks to me, it just makes sense and I cannot get over it. No matter how many times it happens...I STILL get chill bumps, my heart beats faster, and my stomach feels funny and I think that is exactly the way I should feel when the Lover of my soul speaks to me. Maybe I am just crazy.

There is going to be a point in my life where I know no one, people don't "get" my heart or passions, and people won't understand what I am saying (literally). I might even have to use my mad pictionary skills to get through a language barrier or two AND to find the nearest 7-11.

And I am excited. I am scared but in the coolest way possible. I avoided this for a long time?! If that is possible. It was much easier to think about having the white picket fence, kids in private school, SUV to pick them up from piano lessons life than to really consider the passions instilled in me.

I don't know what the next 10 years hold. Geeze, I don't even know what the next 10 weeks hold. But what I know to be true is that every time I take a step His light is shining on my step. And yes, I wish I could see a few steps in front of me but doesn't that take the joy out of the journey and the trust out of our Daddy?

He's good. He's got it. He is preparing me...in ways I never imagined.

Throwing me into a liberal major. a religion class with atheists. and people that hate my Jesus but want to be my friend. didn't seem like it would EVER be in my journey. but it is and yes, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I like knowing what they believe though. I like knowing that this might be preparing me for a mission field that is full of darkness. He is my light. and He is lighting up that campus.

The way He puts things together still gets my heart racing and my blood pumping. It doesn't make any sense to me right now, but one day I know it will.

And this week I got an answer to a prayer. One of my greatest blessings is to be able to be His hands and feet. And one of my favorite people downtown as been MIA lately and it had me worried. Part of me wanted to know that he was okay but then I just couldn't help but dream that he could have found a job, found a house, not need me anymore. But I saw him earlier and he didn't need me but I needed that conversation. He knows that God has put him in a valley for a reason and in his drunken stupor he explained the love he has for Him. It was the most beautiful thing.

And tonight, my heart is hopeful. expectant, and anticipating the next few steps.

He is the One who knows me like the back of His hand so how can I not be stoked?!

Please tell me of the ways He is showing up in your life!

He knows.

2010-01-03T18:36:00.000-08:00

So, I saw this on twitter and then it was re-tweeted and re-tweeted and re-tweeted...and it is definately causing some intense thoughts in this mind of mine.

"It is always a mistake to decide what you want to do before you have decided on who you want to be." -Andy Stanley

Now, I love Andy Stanley and I think he is a solid man of God. BUT...not sure about this statement. Not knowing the context in which he said it does indeed make a difference, but here is just a tid bit of what is going on in this brain:)

First of all, I think we all have a lot to figure out along the way. I know that I had no idea who I would be and what I would be doing sixth months ago. We change, we morph, we become who He wants us to be. Because He is the One who defines us. We are found in Him. We rest in Him. We discover ourselves in Him.

I do believe as followers of the Way, we have an obligation to be holy as He is holy (I Peter 1:16). We are also suppose to pursue righteousness, love our brother and enemy just as we love ourselves, treat others with respect, be kind to the needy, etc. Here is the thing though, none of us are perfect. Our Heavenly Daddy realizes this. Why else would He send someone to SAVE us? He knows we are going to mess up. And through the mistakes...we learn. we change. we become the person we want to be.

Tonight, Johnny said something that completely just clicked. I think the exact quote was something like this, "We take the wrong steps and we just have to deal with it." This sounds harsh, but it is so true. When we decide to chase the dreams God has placed on our hearts there is no doubt that it is a leap of faith; and when we get scared and take the wrong step...we do have to deal with it but the coolest thing about that is that He uses that mistake to make us who we are! Let's be real, we know we mess up...alot. But we still have things we want to do for the Kingdom, things we are pursuing to see the story of God echoed across the world. When we mess up, the stride might become longer and tougher...the result we want might be months away or longer...and in the end we discover who we are.

He has prepared so many things for us to do and laid dreams (bigger than ourselves) on our hearts for a reason...for His glory to be shown. And He knows we will slip up and mess up. But we are still to pursue Him, still to trust Him, and still to discover who we are in Him and in Him alone.

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"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
Ephesians 2:10

"For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."
Romans 3:23

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

I am thankful for the inconvenience.

2010-01-01T13:03:00.000-08:00

This time of year I am always reminded of the day that my life changed, my heart changed, and my eyes were opened. It was the week that my Heavenly Daddy opened my eyes to true worship. It was December 22, 2005. On a plane from Lima, Peru coming across the pond back to the states. i sat there with the stinch of the market still on my clothes and the impressions of the people still on my heart. Thinking of how exciting Christmas was going to be with family when I got home. That year it became more than just getting the scarf I wanted for Christmas or spending time with family but from that moment on...it became about worship. My heart stopped. My eyes filled with tears. And I will never be the same. I'm not okay with the white-picket fence dream anymore. I'm not okay with not considering His children on the other side of the world anymore. This moment made this past few years quite epic and beautiful.

But the reason for this post is to remember what He had up His sleeve this past year. The things He has done, the things He has taught me, the people He has brought into my life, and the doors He has opened.

.God has brought people into my life this year to prove Himself faithful. People that have the same passions and dreams of echoing His story. People that I would have never met if it had not been for my Father looking out for me.

..my heart was broken in the most beautiful way. He held me close. Spoke so very tenderly. and made me promises only a Father who knows your heart can make.

...walls have been built and torn down. He has completely turned somethings around and shut down other things. He has thrown new things in my lap that I never thought would happen. My Daddy loves doing the impossible:)

....He gave me a time of rest that I didn't ask for and didn't really want BUT i like it when He does that. Because He is about to move some mountains and open doors. and when He does, I am going to have to be ready to go when He says.

.....on a lighter note, Twitter has become a very dear friend. its true.

......this year I have met some of my best friends. we are community. we do life together. some of them are called to stir up revolutions around the world and some are called to see a city changed. But these people, they will indeed change the world. no doubt about it.

.......I have learned about organizations and ministries that are quite amazing. all linked. and completely dropped in my lap. God-things? oh, yes.

........September 18 and 19, 2009. Orlando. Deeper Still. My life will never be the same for a number of different reasons. I'm glad I went. I am glad I listened. I am glad He works when we don't expect it.

..........I have learned to take Him at His word. when we ask, He listens. He speaks in so many different ways and when I don't want to hear Him...He will say the same thing through someone else:)

............He has shown me to truly understand the ministry He has called me to...it may mean sacrifice and not having the things I need when I "think" I need them. And in 2010, I am so ready to see His hand in everything.

2010, bring it on. I am looking forward to open doors. God-things. more connections made. and Him using this season for His glory and story.

why He chose to use a girl from the South...I will never know.

My heart aches for people. My mind is constantly thinking of ways to see a world changed/figuring out how to open shelter(s)/how to travel the world. My view on a life of worship is continuously challenged. And I am so thankful for the inconvenience.

Oh, in 2010...I get to see this beautiful face once again:))

One of my best friends, Travis, is starting a new life on new year's. Today he moved about 3 states away to follow the dream God has given him. It's an amazing thing to see my friends fearlessly follow our God.

kids, crayons, & forgiveness.

2008-10-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

What a day...
Today at work, the kids definately tested my patience and I'm thinking my patience and kindness didn't hold out too well.

The three-year olds today somehow found a fragment of a blue crayon, an itsy bitsy piece they dug up from the sand. A royal blue crayon. They drew ALL over the yellow fort, on every wall, on the inside of the tunnel slide, and the outside of the slide. We had no idea until a couple of them came to us to be "tattle-tells." I must admit, we were pretty shocked. And we were pretty mad, actually I'm rather embarrassed of how mad we got. The kids were put in time out as we scrubbed a good while on the fort to sorta clean the crayon off that had been baked on by the sun. Its true, it really is a funny story.

My heart almost hurts when I think of how ugly we acted towards the kids. I cannot wait to see them tomorrow, to love on them, to make sure they know I love them. Yeah, they messed up. They made a big uh-oh. But how many times do we make big uh-ohs?

If this silly nonsense made me angry, the kids disobeying and being careless, how many times do I break God's heart everyday? His love is always evident. His anger is never so extreme that the goodness of Himself is not shown through. I make stupid choices all the time...every single day. And today I made a dumb choice. I let my not feeling so well and impatience get the best of me. I let that get in the way of loving the way I am suppose to. I can only imagine how God's heart breaks when we put things before Him, when we let pride or self-righteousness, selfishness, impatience, etc get in the way of our testimonies. But He still loves us, He still forgives us, and He still wraps us in His arms of peace. A beautiful thing.

My eyes were opened today...through a hectic, funny time.

Those kids...

not a game of tag.

2008-09-14T20:28:00.001-07:00

I don't think these conversations will ever disappear...
I encountered such an awkward conversation this weekend...sitting @ a family thing, someone once again asked what I was going to do. Ministry, shelter, social work....was my response. Didn't go over so well. Did you know nurses are in high demand? Did you know nurses can start out at $75,000?

Some people will never understand me and I guess thats okay. Its not about money. Its not about following the world's standard of success. My life will never be about all that...

I have this desperate need to reach people. To tell them of the love their Creator has for them. To tell them of the hope they can find in Christ. To explain to them that its not a game of tag...

The church today is filled with so much hypocrisy...its disgusting. Those in the worship band, ushers, Sunday school teachers, and even pastors teach and live one way in church and as soon as the doors open to the world....they are living like they did before they were saved. Christians no longer are true Christians, but instead those of the world in disguise trying to get somewhere within a lie. It has to stop. Its not the way the church is suppose to be.

Our God is a faithful God of forgiveness and He forgives time and time again. But one cannot continuously sin, knowing it is wrong, and expect God to say "okay, I forgive you, try not to do it again." Christians think they can hide their sin in their pockets while in church, so no one will see it. Thinking they are lifting up clean hands before God and the church, but stains are all over them. God wants to continue to chase us, but we have to slow down so He can catch us.

As my pastor said, "If God is our God, then why do we consistently live like the world?"

jamie makes it clear.

2008-09-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

Jamie, my little sister, has been such a blessing in my life.

Though she cannot talk or walk, the impact she has on people's lives is incredible. Teachers, preachers, grocery-store workers, nurses, therapists, etc. know and adore Jamie; they know she is something to be treasured, a true blessing. Tonight, I was thinking/praying about some things and God revealed to me some pretty incredible stuff.

No matter what I do, Jamie still loves. If I get aggravated at her or can't seem to find the time to play with her, she still absolutely adores me. Many times I don't deserve this love, but she continuously cares about me. It is quite comforting to think about this is the way our Father loves us. There is nothing, NOTHING, we can do to make Him love us any less or any more. Of course, none of us are perfect, but He loves us the same. We don't deserve it. But we desperately need this love. This love mends the broken hearted, comforts the lonely, and dries the tears of the hurting.

No matter how independent Jamie becomes she still needs me. She still needs her sister to play with her, to listen to her "praise-song" video over and over, and to rock her (even though she is sixteen :)). Me and Jamie are dependent on each other in many ways. I definately would not be the same without her in my life; my goals would be changed, my views on things probably would be turned around. This is similar to our relationship with God. We NEED Him...so much. I know, I cannot go on somedays without Him right by my side. And He loves to hear our praises to Him, to see us doing everything we can to stay in His will, and to know how much we love Him.

Jamie is more than my sister, she is a miracle.

Overcoming the discouraging words of doctors and proving herself to therapists each and everyday; her life speaks of the goodness of the Father.He has never forsaken us in the fights we have been through with Jamie and remains faithful to this day.

Call me crazy, but I still believe Jamie will being a walking testimony one day telling the world of the faithfulness of God, performing the miracle that He promised many years ago.

My sweet sissy makes life a little clearer.

just right.

2008-08-31T20:48:00.000-07:00

I find myself here alot lately...sitting in "THE" chair in my living room. Alot of important things in my life happen while in this spot, my quiet times, my conversations with God, studying, homework, journaling, and this is the exact spot where I realized God's plan for my life. Quite an amazing spot. Here lately, this spot is my comfort zone. The place where I completely become an open book, letting God speak to me in ways I never imagined before. I come to this place with jumbled insides, a burdened heart, and many things on my mind.

I have to admit, I have not felt like myself these past couple of weeks. I've gotten pretty good at faking the "I'm okay" look, but I'm not. Sometimes my heart feels so burdened that I think it might explode. Sometimes I think of all I want to do with my life and I am completely overwhelmed. Sometimes I think of even how old I am and get a bit freaked out. Its a weird feeling I have. I feel jumbled, uncertain, uneasy, and a bit chaotic, but at the same time I feel peace. I feel like I am in the right place. The right place for God to use me. I feel like I am coming into a new season in my life, where God is being revealed to me more than ever before. I feel as though I might be in the right place to receive the boldness I have been seeking.

One thing that has set me back is my fear. My fear of disappointing others and my Heavenly Father. God has put some AMAZING, encouraging people in my life. I feel quite humbled when these people say things like, "you are going to make a diffence" but I also feel something else. FEAR. I am so scared I will let them down. Even more terrified that I will let God down.

My heart these days is just not normal. Burdened by too many things to count. I know I shouldn't worry about things, but sometimes its just so hard not to. I lose sleep at night over people...yes, people. I worry about them, worry they won't realize the way they are living is wrong, worry they will waste their lives instead of living it for the One who created all life, worry they will forget the whole reason we are all here in the first place.

But you see, I am not satisfied anymore. I can't just climb over the mountains without knowing where I am headed. I won't aimlessly go about my life, just getting by, but instead I insist on seeking His will for every step I take.

I give it all to Him.
Its all I can do.

The Pursuer.

2008-08-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

You've never failed
No, not even once

Your power is unmistakenable
Your beauty exquisite

The stars, sun, and moon scream out Your praise
The beat in my heart knows of Your never-ending love

Through thick and thin
I'd do it again
Because You are the pursuer of my heart

The bars, holds, and stones I put up
You fight straight through
Because You are the pursuer of my heart

You breathed life into me
And I will never be the same
Because You are the pursuer of my heart

Your glory is all consuming
Bringing tears to my eyes and a softness to my heart
Because You are the pursuer of my heart

You give me peace and rest
A safe haven away from a cruel world
Because You are the pursuer of my hear

tAnd I will go with You
Because You are the pursuer of my heart

picture book.

2008-08-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking alot lately about picture-books...yes, picture-books. The books that babies look at that have no words just amazing, colorful pictures. No words are necessary because the pictures so clearly illustrate what the author wants you to know or realize.

The life of a Christian should be no less than a picture-book.

Our actions and lives should just scream Christ. We should no longer look like Ivy or Jamie or Tim...but instead become a walking picture-book for Christ. The things we do, say, and think should never lead another astray, but instead lift others up.

We should live life in such an incredible, dynamic way that others don't need to hear us speak the name of Christ, but instead see Him all over us. Some tend to say you are on a "high-horse" or just too much if you live nothing but a Christ-centered life, but thats okay. People can say what they want to say because all that matters is that you are crazy in love with your Jesus.

Sometimes it gets hard, when you pour and pour yourself into people and they don't listen or care. But honestly, thats life. Alot of people completely ignore what you say while others act like they agree and then turn around to do the opposite. Asking for serious advice or confiding in someone seems silly to me, if you ignore them, but this is how some people act. You just can't let those people keep you from doing what you are suppose to do: love. You have to keep pouring out the love and truth of Christ to see others changed. No one can keep you from being a picture-book for the whole world to see.

So will you allow yourself to be a picture-book?

BIG things to do...

2008-08-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

This is a little list of things I want to do before I am 32.Why 32? I'm not sure.
- Get married: marry the man God made just for me that will fight with me in this world to accomplish God's plan for our lives.
-Have a baby-Adopt a baby
-Visit another third-world country
-Do ministry/outreach at struggling churches from coast to coast
-Play a duet on the piano with my Daddy
-Learn a song on the guitar
-Write a song
Start a homeless/Bible ministry
-Write a book?

So much to do...so little time.

still letting it pour out.

2008-08-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

As the bride of Christ, we also have a really hard time loving the unlovable. The way I look at it no person is any higher on God's list. A preacher is no higher than a prostitute. We are ALL sinners, coming short of the salvation God offers to us. None of us are worthy, not a single one of us. But most of the time we go around acting like we are so much better than everyone else. Its just not right. Instead of looking down on others, we should be lifing them up, encouraging them with the love of Christ. I think alot of times Christians forget that Jesus hung out with lowly ones. He was around prostitutes and tax collectors and before too long they were changed by the very presence of Him. Thats the way it should be with Christians. We should show so much love and joy that an unsaved person wants to know the Jesus that we know.

We are called to love EVERYONE. The saved, unsaved, sinners, homeless, handicapped; we are called to love people all around the world.

Today, Christians do want to help out. But there is a major problem. We have huge conferences, prayer rallies, cookouts wanting people to come to us to be LOVED on. We expect them to come, seeking God and the love of His people. Sometimes this works. But I feel like my mission in life is to go to them. To take the word of God to those who cannot afford to come to it. I want to love those who feel too ashamed or embarrassed to set foot into a church or conference.

Let's do it. Let's love on others and make a difference.
why not change the world?
why not take care of those who cannot take care of themselves?
why not take the word of God from coast to coast?
why not feed the hungry, physically and spiritually?
WHY NOT?

He Made No Mistake.

2008-08-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

The choices seem endless,
Eloquently stated in our minds and hearts.
Decisions must be made they say,
They scream for us to make them today!

Turmoil upon turmoil cause us to crash,
Leaving nothing but the skeleton of what we used to be.
They don't understand, no one does,
But we still continue on the interwining paths.

We allow empty words to define us,
All the while forgetting why we are here to begin with.
He made no mistake,
I was created for this very time.

Grace and love wrap around us,
Reminding us of our purpose.
Choices spin around us continuously
And He allows the right one to fall into place.

let it pour out.

2008-08-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

I just don't get it sometimes.

Some people say I'm too compassionate, but is there such a thing? How can someone not care that children are dying of hunger or the man on the street corner has no home. These images haunt me; it just seems so unfair. Christians in America like to do the "right" thing. We will give to the mission fund at church or give a beggar some spare change, but are we wiling to go out of our comfort zone to share the love of Christ?

My goal in life is simple: to show the love of Christ to everyone I encounter. I want the love of Christ to "pour" out of me, so that no words are necessary the love is shown through my daily actions. The Bible tells us to show compassion. James 1:27 says, "Pure and undefiled religion before our God is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world."

God clearly says that we, as the body of Christ, are suppose to take care of those who cannot take care of themselves. Loving the unlovable or those who won't love us back can be tough, but Christians are called to do so.

I seek boldness- so that my light will shine for Christ.

putting on my blinders.

2008-08-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

Life has changed a lot these past several months. I have had to make major decisions I never thought I would have to make. Let's just say, I have had a lot of "growing pains."

Ever since I was little I wanted to be a nurse. I realized as I got older this would be a great opportunity to share the gospel also. This past year, my plans changed. I took my first nursing class and did a lot of praying and realized nursing just isn't for me. This was the path that I wanted, the career I thought would be the best, but its just not God's plan for me.

Its really hard to tell people I'm not going to be a nurse after years of knowing exactly what I wanted to do. I feel like a disappointment in some ways to my parents, like I'm letting them down. But I have decided that I was not created to be a people pleaser. All my life, I have tried to make others happy when I should be focusing on pleasing my heavenly Father. I am putting on my blinders and not looking to the left or right but looking solely on Him.

I'm still not sure what I am suppose to do. It might still be something that goes along with nursing; I'm just not positive. I was created to love others and God's plan for my life will be revealed in time.

Careers I'm seriously looking at are grief counseling, counselor for special-needs children and their families, social worker, and I really really want to open a shelter for those no one else wants to help when I get older.

Growing up is not easy...