the year with no chocolate bunnies.

it's been a tender week for me. actually a tender Easter season.

this weekend is the pinnacle of my faith. if Jesus hadn't died- I wouldn't have the grace and forgiveness and eternal life that his death so graciously gave us. and if He hadn't rose again- it would appear that Satan won.

but He didn't. Jesus won.

our. Jesus. won.

sometimes I still can't get over that.

He won for us. because He loved us so much. He was willing to hurt....hurt a lot. to bleed. to have people yell horrible things at Him. to have people mock Him. to have his clothes stripped away and to have thorns thrashed into His head.

because He loved us.

and my thoughts this year go to my friends.

my friends who live in East Africa.
my friends that believe that Jesus lived but do not believe that He died.
my friends that do not believe in the resurrection...because well, why believe that when He didn't die on the cross in the first place.
my friends who believe He was a great man and that He will come to reign on the earth.


but my friends are lost.
and without the things that happened on Easter we all would be.

and I also think about all the dark things that this year has brought for mankind.

human trafficking. churches being burned down. pastors kidnapped. miss**naries killed. cancer. death. post election arguments. discontentment. sickness. fevers. drought. famine. hunger. orphans. widows. suicides. abortion. families divided.

and my own discontentment, pride, selfishness, and sometimes harsh words said before thinking.

we are a dark people. and that's why Good Friday had to be dark. so that the light could come.

the dark things show that we CANNOT do it alone. it strips away any self-dependance we could ever have. it takes away that idea that "we got this." because we don't. we don't have this.

my emotions have been bubbling over as I realize that Easter isn't some chocolate bunny, sweet holiday.
no. Easter is a scandalous, earth shattering, bold season. and I have felt my need for Jesus this year during this time more than ever. 

every tradition of this holiday has brought a subtle weight this year.
seeing eggs. seeing bunnies. candy. peeps. grass. baskets.
it has all brought a weight.

these burning images of my friends across the world. burning images of people worshiping a god who doesn't exist. burning images of the babies in the orphanage who if WE do not go...will never know the love of a Savior. {this one aches the most}

and once again HE reminds me of the question the Holy Spirit sparked so many times in DJ.

"Am I worth it?"

He is worth it all. worth no water. worth sitting on dirt floors. worth sweating for days on end. worth crying at the sheer loneliness. worth stones. worth threats. worth life itself.

HE IS!

His resurrection gave victory over death.
......it gave hope.
.....turned mourning into dancing.
.....gave boldness instead of shame.
.....gave courage instead of fear.
.....certainty over the doubt.
.....it gave us solid ground. 


so this year instead of eating peeps. and eggs. and focusing on the Bunny.

may we honor Him with our lives. not only on the Sunday that changed the world but everyday....so that through us....He can reclaim His fame in all of the world. amen.


I urge you to pray for those worshiping tomorrow in closed places. and for His light to shine among the unreached.
it is one of the hardest days.
{I can remember awaking before the sun so that it was safe in the middle of the desert. and it was worth it.}


may He be glorified.

with your blood you purchased for God

    persons from every tribe and language and people and nation. Revelation 5:9.

living by faith. not by feeling.

it was cold on the plane. my pillow was wet with tears. and i am confident that i scared the Indian guy to death who was a newbie coming to America. 

my heart was racing. and i was nervous as all get out. 

but why. i didn't get it. 

i was about to set my eyes on my family. on my friends. that i had not seen for six long months. 

i had looked death in the face and kicked Satan all over the place. i wanted to see them. really, i did. 

but i was scared to. 

because you see as soon as my little feet set on that airport floor. it began. 

a new season. 

a new season that i wasn't sure how to deal with. one that the Lord had given me promises about. one that had been prayed over. one that was PREPARED before i was even created. 

let that sink in for a second. 

He knew that i would be freaking out. He knew that i would be scared of what was up ahead. and nervous about being back at home. 

He knew. He understood. and that's why He filled my heart and journal with endless promises of what He would provide. of what He would show me. and of what He would do miraculously. 

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fast forward some months. 

months full of  nightmares. reunions. pictures. emails. flashbacks. tears. laughter. and pure joy. 

here i am in this new season. 

an awkward season but a new season alas. 

i try to figure it out most days, but then i remember He has me in the palm of my hand. and to LET GO of these white knuckles of mine. 

i am leaning on my Savior fully. trusting His every word. and listening very closely. 

so on days like today where Satan tries to make me question the who what when where and why. 

i basically punch him in the face and tell him to get lost. 

but really, I do. 

because my Daddy knows me better than anyone else. He knows my love language. He knows my fears. and He knows my dreams. 

He speaks to me in the ways I need and calms my fears when they arise. 

He is the beginning. He is the end. and He is the in between. 

He doesn't go anywhere. He won't leave me. and He surely will not forsake me. 

He forgives me when I doubt His faithfulness. and takes every opportunity to show just how powerful He is. 

..................................................................................................................................................................

y'all, our Heavenly Daddy is the best. He is unbelievable. 

so as you wait for Him to move. as you wait for Him to tell you the next step. as you wait for the GO {I am there.}. 

praise Him. live by faith, not by feeling. 

because we all know our feelings are all jacked up sometimes. 

when your head tells you He can't, commend your spirit that yes, He can and He will. 

Lord, I trust what you are doing. I will follow You. 

make straight Your way before us! Psalm 5:8 .

welcome.

welcome back, y'all.

love. boys. and other mysteries.

I was probably in sixth grade. sitting in the gym  at the school I attended from kindergarten until the beautiful day that I graduated.

it was "promise week." it was all pretty much just talk to me at this point. wait for your future husband. don't give your heart away. don't let people play around with your heart.

I listened. I didn't talk during the talks. I prayed after it all. and God spoke to my little 12 year old heart.
to "be still. wait. and work to bring Him glory in the meantime."

so the meantime looked like middle school. and high school. and college.

because He didn't break up that meantime.

there were tears. and confusion. and pure aggravation at it all.

there were prayers. prayers of hope. prayers of anger. prayers of desperate asking.

and then there were times where I thought God was shaking it up. but THANKFULLY I was wrong.

I messed up a lot. and wished a lot of silly stuff.and prayed some pretty insane prayers.

and I wouldn't have survived without our Heavenly Daddy. 

so I still pray Isaiah 58 over my future husband. and pray he is ready for the adventure that will happen soon. 

but I also desperately seek my Heavenly Daddy on behalf of the two precious girls I mentor.

boys. boys. boys. boys.

it's what teenage girls talk about. it's what they think about. it's what they care about.

I listen. and add in my two cents about the perfection of Justin Bieber's hair. and discuss Taylor Swift's latest break up.

BUT I hope that they get it.

that they see that satisfaction comes from the pursuit of the King.
that they feel Him romancing their hearts.
that they protect their hearts with every ounce of their being.
and don't take a 15 year old boy's flowery words and turn it into something it's not.

God wrote my story in a way that I would have NEVER ever in a million years dreamed.
ever. never. ever. thought.

but it's perfect in every way. every adversity. every victory. every lesson. every tear. every adventure. for His glory. and His alone.

you see...when I was 13...I was under the impression by this time in life...I would be a RICH nurse, married to a super good-looking rich doctor, raising some cool white kids, with a white picket fence.

but alas, I can only laugh. and realize the great satisfaction that comes with knowing that His stories are best. He knows my heart. He sees where I will be. He knows what I need. and has already planned all of it out. how cool is THAT?!

so I pray that my girls are not disappointed. but WAIT. wait for Him to move. wait for Him to speak. and wait for Him to send that boy.

may they realize He is the best romancer around.

because quite frankly, I will hurt any boy who hurts them.


daughters, do not awaken love until the time is right. 
song of solomon 8:4. 

on orphans. and new years.

it was a normal day. 

flaming hot. my veil sticking to my face and neck. and sitting in a Somali's ladies lap on the "bus."

my morning was spent on the dirt covered ground of the orphanage. holding the babies who called me mama and traced the lines of my face. 

on the way there I had been called "infadel" and prayed Psalm 91 all the way. 

earlier that week I had been shoved pretty intensely against a wall. a few scabs and bruises were showing on my leg as I fed Abdourman on the ground. 

all of this added up for a moment that no one else but our Heavenly Daddy could orchestrate. 

praying over lifeless bodies. singing "Jesus loves me" in a language only I knew. and with sweat dripping from my brow. 

He made things clear. 

He was all I needed. everything I needed He encompassed. and He provided. 

protection..I had it. 

comfort...I continually experienced it. 

power...I saw it everyday. 

so as I enter into a new season. a season of unknowns. a season of waiting. and quite frankly an awkward season of life. 

I won't forget it. 

I won't forget what He taught me. 

I won't forget the babies. 

I won't forget the bruises and scabs. 

I can't. 

as I wait for the next go, I remember. 

.....................................................................................................................................................................................

2012 was filled with waiting. and visas. and flights. 

with hard goodbyes. and support like I have never known. 

it was full of life. and death. and stings. 

it was a year that encompassed Isaiah 58 in every way. 

it was crying babies. and begging street kids. 

it was students. and beggars. 

it was soccer balls and Bibles. 

it was persecution. 

and healing. 

it was forgiveness and mercy. 

lightness and darkness. 

power seen in the powerless nights. 

it was waterless days. and fighting for my life. 

it was an African hospital and claiming I would live. 

it was hurting goodbyes. and exciting hellos. 

it was the start. not the end. 

it was home. in more than one place. 

it was the greatest year of faithfulness I have ever known.

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Heavenly Daddy, I am here for Your earthly glory. do Your thing. 

2013, bring it. 

on a Wednesday in a cafe.

I have been a little over 3 months.

3 months of sharing stories. tears. meeting new friends. realizing you lose friends. starting GSOM classes. interning at Mission Change. getting used to water on a daily basis. remembering. praying. and waiting.

before I left the field, I talked extensively about what would happen when I got home. how I would feel. what things would change. but things happen differently than expected. and it certainly did for me.

mine looked like sleepless nights. a hurting heart. and swollen eyes. dreams of the kids. prayers that *told Him what to do.* and trying to figure out exactly what He was going to do.

my heart is healed. my sleep is back. and I am at peace.
and He did that. all of it.

BUT...it was not untl last week. sitting at a table. with my best friends. outside. at a coffee shop. that He blew. my. mind.

I couldn't tell you what we were talking about. I remember nothing about our conversations. because from one simple text message. He spoke to my heart. and I got it.

the text message read: "I know He will put me where He wants me."

I read it over and over and over again. He will put me where He wants me.

And He took me back to a women's retreat. with my mentor. the semester before I graduated college. I had no idea where He was sending me or what I was going to do. but I did know He was going to give me some clear answers that weekend and He did.

a sweet, sweet lady prayed over me. and He spoke so clearly. He revealed so much. But the one thing that He has reminded me of DAILY is that "the first place you go will not be your last nor your home."

now.

I had forgotten about this. completely forgotten. until that night. with my best friends. when God used a text message and brought this to my remembrance.

East Africa. my heart is there.
but my God is there. and that is enough.

He will put me where He wants me. and that is going to look a lot different than I have probably planned on.

life might look like where's waldo. life might look like Him sending me to another continent.
but this I know. He has it.

so this season is a season of giving Him my heart .all of it. giving Him Africa. letting Him deal with that.

because as CHEESY as this sounds...He has some pretty incredible things in store for my future family. my future husband HAS to be praying the same way. that God would take control and send him wherever. and I find great peace in that.

may Him reveal Himself deeply. and completely.

so as I lay down my wanting for Africa may He be glorified and exalted. Amen.

thanksgiving after afreeka.

i am thankful for the day in 2005. in high school. sitting on a soccer field in Peru. when i gave up my dreams of a rich husband. white picket fence. and all white kids. the moment where i realized holding babies and loving on people for His namesake is way more important than any career i could ever imagine.

i am thankful for dirt covered floors in the orphanage. babies surrounding me. feeding them for hours nonstop. where i realized that being His meant everything. 

i am thankful for the babies. the babies who traced the lines of my face. and cried when i left. the ones who tugged on my skirt. 

i am thankful for Abdourman. my man with cerebral palsy. who was covered in flies but filled with a love like i have never known. the little man who i sang "J loves you" daily to. the one who haunts my dreams and takes up pages in my journal. 

i am thankful for Aboker who stole my heart. and called me mommy in Somali. the precious toddler who fought for my lap and learned Jes*s and love in english. 

i am thankful for the knocks at my door. and the kids who graced my apartment and steps. begging for water. bread. milk. the kids who lived on the street but found a home at our place. 

i am thankful for the power outages and water being out for WEEKS. because i saw His power. and that's enough. 

i am thankful for the hospital bed. and thumbs up pictures for my parents when i had dengue fever. 

i am thankful for the market and my friends who work there. 

i am thankful for my brilliant students who have a killer Southern accent. 

i am thankful He healed Azma of her fever. i am thankful for the shoes He bought for kids. and the soccer balls He provided that showed them that their prayers were answered when they asked our Heavenly Daddy. 

i am thankful for the orphanage in E. and the summer away from the heat in jabooty. 

i am thankful for soccer. bikes. and goats to chase. 

i am thankful for uno. and the kids who played it with me. 

i am thankful for enjera. yes. 

i am thankful that He chooses to use me. He doesn't need me but i am forever thankful He lets me have a piece in the grand story He is writing. 

i am thankful that He is writing a cool story RIGHT now. and even when i do not know what that will look like...He gives me peace. 

the light shines for the next step. amen. 

declare His blessings among all nations. Psalm 96:3.